Nicole Brown Simpson: Diary of Pain, Diary of Shame

Nicole Brown Simpson has chosen this time to channel her truth to help others and to explain things few people understand about her murder and her life.



-Nicole is healed for the most part but still worries about her beautiful children on earth, Sydney and Justin. They were her earth life and remain a huge part of her life on the other side.



-Nicole begins by saying, she spoke to a famous medium for her sister once, and the medium claimed it doesn't matter who murdered her, Nicole states that is not the case because the one reason she wanted her murderer to go to jail, was because she didn't want him raising her children. That was her biggest fear and now karma and insanity have caught up with that person. She was murdered again by those accusing her of being a "party girl" who was killed by drug dealers, she says it's such a lie as she roll her eyes, she says the dealers must have owned Bruno Magli shoes, which is very unlikely.



-Nicole mentions she was 17 years old when she met O.J. Simpson, she became absorbed in him, his life, his lies and never got a chance to form her own identity. She was abused, but 80% of the time, her life was OK with him, it was the other 20% was the problem. She realizes how she is viewed for becoming involved with a married man but she was continually lied to by O.J. about that situation and she was naive and believed him. She is sorry she ever did.



-Nicole's life was O.J. and women viewed her as so lucky to have been chosen by him. They envied the easy life they believe she had. Nicole never believed in herself, her esteem was very low. She only wanted a husband and children and felt she had been through so much waiting for O.J. that she earned her wedding to him and she looks back almost ashamed of herself, (that she believed you earn a wedding to a man or you deserve it because you have put up with so much). She actually believed things would be different after they married and that she wasn't enough for him, so he cheated. He made her feel terrible about herself all the time and she admits to having abortions because he wanted her to, a huge regret that makes her cry as being a Mom was everything to her and she would've liked to have had those babies. She didn't go in as some women do and have an abortion believing it was so inconvenient and it was better that way. Nicole says she did what he wanted and if she dared question him or even act non-compliant she was screamed at, horrible things were said to her and she was often hit. She knows she went back to O.J. after the divorce and she initiated the reunion, because she didn't even know who Nicole was. Many people believe she gave up her youth to be with O.J. so she went hog wild when she got divorced in her 30's, not true says Nicole, she was simply looking for love in all the wrong places as the song says.



-Nicole wanted to be married again to a good man, a nice man and have more kids. She wasn't caught-up in the Hollywood lifestyle at all, in fact she wanted to move to the country with a new husband and have more babies. She thought of a farm or something like that. She was ready to leave but could not find anyone who really wanted to be with her, and those she attracted most likely were there because she was O.J.'s ex. She does not blame her family for not understanding she was this abused woman, for the most part she acted as if she wanted to be with O.J. and her Mother did tell her to leave him a few times. So she can't blame them. He was the endearing son-in-law and brother-in-law and that's how Nicole wanted it when they first met. She wanted her family to love and accept O.J. and he endeared himself to them.



-When she divorced O.J., she had no idea who she was or what her purpose was but she tried to find herself in both good and bad ways. Her first priority was always her children and tears fall when Nicole speaks of them and how she longs for them to remember the times they had together, the messes they made in the house, the time they painted their faces, everything. She really wants them to know, she is right there for them always. She didn't want to leave them.

She speaks of O.J. being a "monster" and She is ashamed for losing herself in a bad man. She knew he didn't treat her right but she gave him all she was, and that was an awful waste she says. Women she says, hide behind the idea that he loves you, so it's OK to stay with someone who doesn't treat you right, even if you are never hit. They think it's acceptable to stay with someone who has no regard for you or your life. Nicole says it's not OK. She needed professional therapy and got some but not enough and believe all women in this situation need the same thing. After her divorce, she wasn't finding a man to share her life with. Her children missed the big house they use to live in and family and friends made her feel isolated and selfish for leaving O.J. She was told of O.J.'s new girlfriend Paula and how well he was treating her, and people started to convince her that O.J. had changed and a part of her felt, she had been through so much with him, she should at least experience a good life with him, as if she deserved to be with the "good" O.J. This was all false, O.J. had not changed at all and in fact, had gotten worse. Nicole said he was using a lot of cocaine and that added to his psychosis. Nicole had experimented with drugs, something she is not proud of, but O.J. introduced them to her and she did not have a drug habit but admits in the final months of her life, she was drinking a lot when she went out with friends to numb the pain.



-When Nicole tried to reconcile with O.J. she says she signed her death certificate. Nicole says that he became a maniac so many times out of nowhere, jealous of men she saw while they were divorced, insanely jealous that she believed he was really going to kill her. He had come close before one New Year's eve and she had done her best to block it out but now she knew, her days were numbered around him. If she tried to leave him this time, she would be in for it. She began to see O.J.'s friend again, Marcus. They were involved before and she resumed involvement briefly because she needed men to make her feel good about herself, another fact she carries shame from. If a man didn't find her attractive, Nicole didn't feel attractive and talks about how "sick" this actually is. O.J. learned about Marcus and now she knows why. The detective she calls pure scum, Anthony Pellicano was following Nicole near the end of her life for O.J. Although Nicole told O.J. it was all over on her birthday in May of 1994, she was very ill with pneumonia, she never felt so sick and it was due to the stress of ending it with the man she calls the "frog man" and Nicole had a terrible phobia of frogs and O.J. played on it to torture her. She ended it again and this time, she felt she had to move away from Brentwood. She was planning on relocating to another area before she was killed and was actively looking. She didn't want to stay in the neighborhood O.J. could stalk her in. She caught him hiding in the bushes before. She went back and forth from living in fear to the denial that he would not kill her, because of their kids. But that was pure denial of how much of a monster he was she tells me with a soft, sorrowful voice.



-Nicole says the night of her murder, she was afraid O.J. might show up due to the looks he gave her at their daughter's dance recital, but then kept telling herself he was going out of town, she would be safe. She was ready to move and begin again and never go back. She had dreams once of opening a coffee shop and she was going to do something with her life and something to support her kids without the help of O.J. Nicole wanted to cut all strings with O.J. she says longingly, as if she wished it had happened and that included financial ones. Ron Goldman, Nicole says, was a friend she had met several months before. They were only friends, never lovers. He was a very nice guy who wasn't like the rest, only wanting one thing,Ron Goldman genuinely wanted to be her friend. Ron was working on self-esteem issues to rise above his inner conflicts, and Nicole had the same kind of issues. Ron dreamed of opening a restaurant, and was determined to do so. He was a caring person who always thought of others, Nicole had never met anyone like him. Little did Nicole realize, they had a great history together in other lifetimes and their souls were due to come back together and find each other. Nicole says, Ron literally saw someone yelling at her when he pulled up to her house that fateful Sunday night, and the man doing the yelling was dressed in black with a hat on. Nicole went out to open the gate for Ron as it was broken and had to be opened manually. Ron was returning her Mother's prescription glasses left in the restaurant Nicole went to with her family earlier in the evening. Nicole saw her murderer lingering in the bushes and the confrontation began! Nicole was not planning a romantic evening with Ron Goldman, she lit candles often to take her own bath and she didn't expect Ron to stay. "MezzaLuna" exists no more but that's where Ron worked as a waiter and Nicole dined with her family that last night.



-Ron saw some one hassling Nicole, she was hit on the head and temporarily knocked out. Ron came upon the scene to see what was happening and to help Nicole, for Ron Goldman had true valour, something not often seen. Ron Goldman gave his life for Nicole that night, such a promising, young life. She knows the sacrifice he made for her and even now, can't believe it. They are together on the other side, they are true mates. They are together like husband and wife. Nicole is raising children and Ron would not change anything, he would've left earth with Nicole and for Nicole. His love for her is true and her love for him, immense. Ron knows his family has suffered beyond what can be explained and he regrets that and wishes they understood, he is happy to have left with Nicole. He has reunited with a true mate. He is so sorry for what his Father and sister have endured but Ron has forgiven O.J. and is trying to help Nicole come to a better place. He shows me the ANKH sign, he has a great life he says.



-Nicole says, she wanted O.J. convicted so he was not around her children. She also says the cops on the case were bumbling and careless. They messed everything up and only Mark Fuhrman understood the evidence but was discredited for something from his past. Nicole says we all have things in our past. She does not blame Marcia or Chris Darden for the loss of the court case saying, they really did care about her and Ron and were very sincere. The bumbling police on the case were just trying to make it to retirement and they weren't use to having to be more careful with evidence. Their usual "perps" do not have a dream team of lawyers to scrutinize everything they did and didn't do. Nicole points to the private detective Anthony Pellicano, now in prison and says he has a lot of the answers to her murder, including the clean-up. She mentions "Rocky" who was O.J.'s normal driver, not Alan, the man who showed up the night she was murdered. She does not explain Rocky's role but suggests he knows more than anyone has ever been told. The police missed a lot of key interviews.



-Nicole says O.J.'s former girlfriend Christy would've been murdered just like she was. She was used as a lookalike to Nicole and Nicole admits she does resemble her, for O.J. was trying to live out his life with Nicole is some sick, twisted way. She is very glad Christy left O.J. and that Christy has told the truth about O.J. being Nicole's murderer. She knows Christy suffered enough at the hands of the monster. She has disdain however for Tawny Kitain and can hardly believe she can justify her affair with O.J. She believes Paula, O.J.'s former girlfriend knew much more about O.J.'s obsession with Nicole than Paula ever told anyone! She had a very selective memory Nicole says.



-Nicole says she is very close to Bob Kardashian on the other side and that he had the wool pulled over his eyes by O.J. as everyone else did. Bob regrets ever helping his old friend and he watches over his children and is sometimes dismayed with their antics as he is "old school" but loves them eternally and unconditionally. Bob Kardashian is very grateful to Bruce Jenner for how he handles the four children he left behind. Nicole has made peace with Johnnie Cochran. She has never seen anyone more remorseful than Johnnie Cochran for his involvement in defending O.J. She says she didn't want to communicate with him but Ron informed her, Johnnie was only doing his job and they should listen to him. Johnnie is someone Nicole now respects.



-Nicole speaks of how she met Jim Morrison while coming to be channeled and realized something very important. Jim was also killed because the woman he was with did not want to let him go, he was treated as a possession like Nicole was. She points out, this happens to men too. Nicole says Pamela Courson tried to approach her because Nicole was communicating with Jim and Jim won't communicate with Pamela. Nicole says Pamela has a dark soul, and she and O.J. would be the perfect couple to rot in hell together. She is glad Jim wasn't killed as violently as she was but she says Jim suffered for hours and she was knocked out and didn't realize her throat was slit until she left her body and saw it. Her biggest concern when she left her body was for her children, that they did not wake-up and come out and see her or Ron that way. It would've scarred them for life and Nicole says, but O.J. was such a wonderful Father according to friends, he only left their Mother with her head nearly cut off for them to find and her friend, bleeding to death near a tree for his kids to see. She has not forgiven her murderer and not even truly forgiven herself for being with him and not thinking enough of herself to realize how unbalanced it was to lose herself in a man, any man. She is working on it but is happy, in love and well cared for by Ron.



-Nicole is a work in progress and is still dealing with her earth life and violent death. She wants others to realize, if your free will is not being honored in a relationship and if your life is revolving around your mates' moods, wants, and needs and not your own, please get help.