"Summer winds blow the white sands,
the salty wind whips across her face,
She stands alone on the turquoise beach of our dreams,
No one close by to dry her tears,
No one in sight to hold her hand,
She has a true love, a man -
who has walked through hell to look in her eyes/
who would give up heaven to kiss her bee stinged lips
but he has forfeited his one chance, to be loved for all he is,
this was done by the hand of another, one he never loved,
for she was only a proxy for his true Goddess
The black tourmaline candle burns in the window,
only for her, She walks the days
alone and forbidden to enter
I roam the crystal desert alone,
a mad man asks, how will you find her?
How will you survive?
I sink into the barren land,
no castles are built here,
no fortress to ease my pain,
She radiates though the night,
stardust in her hair
I hear the scream of a dying coyote,
the unbearable sound reemanting death
is projecting from my lips,
I write her a note and send it on the wind,
" I can't be forgotten, I can't be ignored,
when you finish your jail sentence on earth,
the gate to your gilded cage
will swing open and I will be there,
I will never let you go, the universe is ours,
the sun, the moon, the stars have been woven into
your hair, for I am the mad man, we shall not
stop this dance, the ceremony has only
just begun"
Eternally yours, Jim
Channeled through Jacquelyn Murray
Friday, December 16, 2011
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
SHE LIVED ON LOVE STREET: PAMELA SUSAN COURSON
"SHE LIVED ON LOVE STREET" (The Broken Heart of Pamela Susan Courson)
This is a channeling session done by psychic, medium Claudia Portugal with the soul that was known as "Pamela Susan Courson." the common law wife of the late singer, Jim Morrison. Pamela is here to make confessions about her life, her relationship with Jim, his death, her death and why her heart has been broken since she returned to the other side. Her goal is to keep rising into more levels of light (higher consciousness) and break free of the heartache and pain. She is sometimes at peace, wanting to move on from her past life and sometimes, she goes into lower energy and clings to her earthly identity.
This exactly what Pamela Susan Courson told Psychic Medium, Claudia Portugal. Follow-up questions follow Pamela's opening statement:
"What I wanted most was, a husband, a home and a child or maybe children, but I know I at least wanted one baby. I wanted to be married and have someone want to be with me all the time. I don't think people understand how I felt. I gave Jim a place to stay before anyone knew who he was. I took care of him, cooked for him, washed his clothes, whatever he needed and what I got for it was, he would run off for days, and weeks and be with other women. Alcohol didn't destroy our relationship, the fact he didn't want to marry me and give me a child did. I don't know why, but people keep thinking we were so in love because he always came back to me but the truth is, that was usually because he was sick, tired, needed a home cooked meal or just didn't want to be bothered. It was to get his strength back from all the running around. There were times he was more excited to see our dog Sage, than me. I was always waiting for Jim. I had boyfriends too, and part of that was revenge or to see if he cared and he really didn't, but part of it was to find somebody who would put me first. Just because Jim bought me things and let me spend his money, that wasn't enough. He was with so many women that I heard about and I spied on him a few times and saw it all myself, I always thought I could be replaced and then what would I do? I spent my life waiting for Jim to come home, to make a real life with me and to marry me. I just wanted to be married, legally, with the ceremony. I called him my husband and he never said anything but I knew sometimes it bothered him. I know to other people he usually called me his "old lady" or once in a while, his "girlfriend." There were times we were together and I felt like he loved me but those were short lived, he would suddenly become mean to me and all I wanted was his love. I would beg him to stay with me sometimes and he would leave with whoever, his friend Babe, or others and say he had to go out and I wouldn't see him for days. I wanted what Ray Manzarek and Dorothy had. Jim and I went to their wedding and I thought ours should be next.
People believed Jim and I were so in love because they would see us at parties. I loved to go to parties, and I loved for Jim to show me off, and I would always make sure I looked good for him. I liked to find the right clothes and do my make-up. I would starve myself if I gained a few pounds. I liked to socialize and hear the latest gossip. Jim would act like I was the center of his world at some of the parties but as soon as it seemed I was distracted, talking to other people, I would see the looks Jim gave other females that he was either sleeping with or going to sleep with. Jim was always on the prowl, even in public. Imagine how it made me feel. people would tell me how beautiful I was and the man I was looking so beautiful for, was always getting involved with other women. If you wondered why I stayed, I was waiting for him, to change and make me his one and only. I didn't want an open relationship, I never wanted that but that was the only way I could have Jim. He would not accept monogamy , looking back, if he had really been in love with me, I think he would have wanted only me. After the parties sometimes, where we looked so in love, Jim would take me home and leave for the night, he didn't even spend the night with me after some of those evenings, I just felt so sad so much of the time. I lived for Jim. I know people will say, he wrote songs about me. Looking back, those songs were sort of composites of me and other people he knew. He just went with ideas, and even though I was at concerts, he never dedicated a song to me, and I always hoped he would.
People believed Jim and I were so in love because they would see us at parties. I loved to go to parties, and I loved for Jim to show me off, and I would always make sure I looked good for him. I liked to find the right clothes and do my make-up. I would starve myself if I gained a few pounds. I liked to socialize and hear the latest gossip. Jim would act like I was the center of his world at some of the parties but as soon as it seemed I was distracted, talking to other people, I would see the looks Jim gave other females that he was either sleeping with or going to sleep with. Jim was always on the prowl, even in public. Imagine how it made me feel. people would tell me how beautiful I was and the man I was looking so beautiful for, was always getting involved with other women. If you wondered why I stayed, I was waiting for him, to change and make me his one and only. I didn't want an open relationship, I never wanted that but that was the only way I could have Jim. He would not accept monogamy , looking back, if he had really been in love with me, I think he would have wanted only me. After the parties sometimes, where we looked so in love, Jim would take me home and leave for the night, he didn't even spend the night with me after some of those evenings, I just felt so sad so much of the time. I lived for Jim. I know people will say, he wrote songs about me. Looking back, those songs were sort of composites of me and other people he knew. He just went with ideas, and even though I was at concerts, he never dedicated a song to me, and I always hoped he would.
I want to talk about "Themis" the boutique Jim funded for me. Everybody thinks since my friend had a boutique, I had to have one too. Jim actually started talking to me about, finding something to do cause he was gone so much and when my friend brought up her boutique, I thought I could throw myself in something like that. I had been designing clothes since I was 14. I loved fashion more than anything else really. Jim funded the boutique and it's not like I wasn't happy he did that for me but the reason he did the photo shoot for it was because, he wanted it to make a profit. It was a business and suddenly, Jim, who never cared about money, expected a return on this boutique because he put so much into it and I did like to spend his money. He was thinking business, and he was cooperative during the photo shoot though I knew it wasn't his scene. He told me later how much he hated the clothes he had to pose in. So this was my dream, this boutique and Jim only stopped in a few times, though he was close by and even working upstairs sometimes and I wanted someone to share my dream with me, not just give me money for it. Sometimes I imagined Jim would show-up with some flowers for me and surprise me. That didn't happen, in fact he came in drunk and disruptive. Anyone could see, he was not into what I was doing. I was with him sometimes at the recording studio or at his concerts but there were lots of times he wasn't happy when I showed up. He had so many people around him, that's why. Why did he need me? I was just the girl at home, when he needed cleaning up and someone to take care of him. People really don't understand what it was like. I didn't really make money in my boutique, it was harder to run than I thought and so many people came in just to see if Jim was around or ask me questions about him, it was a drag some of the time.
Themis was like a shiny new toy, I was in the spotlight and the photo shoot made me feel like a princess but it didn't last with Jim, I couldn't stay his princess for long. I became really vengeful with Jim. I had spent all this time waiting for him to want a life with me and not with all the other women and want to spend his time with me. I had another love too, Jean. Jean and I had a very sexual relationship. He was real royalty and exciting. He treated me well for a time, and because I wasn't allowed to go to Miami at all with Jim during his trial, I made myself sick, went into the hospital and Jim didn't rush home to me, instead he took his time getting back so I went with Jean out of the country. Jean was very sweet to me and Jim and I had not been having a sexual relationship for a long time. When Jim would show-up, I knew I wasn't getting anything sexual. He had already given it all away. Jim was becoming a father figure to me and I was like his Mother taking care of him, it got kind of sad but Jean and I had a really strong sexual thing. Jean was great until he replaced me for his next conquest. At that point, it was the end of 1970, I felt I wasn't enough for anyone. I felt like nothing. I came back to Jim and his New York girlfriend showed up and told me about their affair. It didn't surprise me, and then it was her abortion she told me about, when I wanted nothing more than to marry Jim and have his child. Nothing anyone could say about Jim and other women surprised me. Jim came back and found us there at Diane's place and Jim and I went upstairs to talk and he didn't deny anything with the New York girl, but said that he needed to go downstairs and see her. I asked him to choose me that night. My birthday was the next day and we didn't do many holidays together which always bothered me. I asked him to choose me over her and he said he would go down and talk to her and be right back and something about how I can't control him and I didn't own him. He never came back that night, I waited all night. I went downstairs to find Jim and the New York girl asleep on the floor, naked. Jim tried to get me to apologize to the New York girl for barging in. Can you believe it? I did everything for this man and I was suppose to apologize to her on my birthday. This was a big deal at the time because it just brought back how many times Jim choose other women over me, if I was sick, Jim wasn't around. I could never find Jim half the time and when I did, I really didn't like what I saw. I wanted a home, a family, a man who came home at night. He was never going to give me a child, one time I told him I was pregnant in an attempt to get him closer to me but I really wasn't. He handed me cash to get an abortion, I was actually sort of hurt because he said he wasn't going to raise a kid. I did some things I shouldn't have done to try to get his attention but I wanted to believe he cared.
But I thought, since Jim seemed to be done with the Doors and done with L.A. in early 1971, he would marry me and we would settle in Paris and live happily ever after. It wasn't the same relationship we had when we were younger and first met. We did things together but Jim was on a mission in Paris that had nothing to do with me really. He wanted to get his films shown and spend time alone writing. It seemed like he was writing all the time and I couldn't go with him. I knew more people there than he knew in Paris and yet, he was still going off on his own to drink, and I thought, meet women. His mail use to go to the Door's office in L.A. and now, it was coming to our apartment in Paris and there were things he didn't want me to see, but I saw them. Letters from women back home that he had written to. I still wasn't free and clear of Jim and other women. I started hoping Jean would take me back, even though Jim and I took this road trip to Granada and Madrid and other places, it was like he was in his own world, no talk of getting married or us moving to Paris permanently. We didn't have sex either. It had been so long but he was coughing all the time and not interested. He was sick and I kept making him go to doctors but we didn't have that same kind of relationship when we met. He didn't make me feel beautiful. So I kept thinking maybe Jean would take me back and I spent time with Jean in June of 1971 while his girlfriend was somewhere else. I kept looking for Jean on the trip Jim and I took, because I was feeling not very secure with Jim once again. Then I found out, Jim was telling people he didn't want to go back to L.A. right then but was talking about going back around September. My heart dropped, he wasn't moving to Paris, this was like a get away and he was going home to all his girlfriends back in the U.S., any one of them would marry him and I would be out. In fact, I stayed on Jim's back to create a will a couple of years before claiming the other Doors were greedy and they would take his money if he died and I would be out in the street. His will was my idea, I needed a piece of paper since I wasn't getting a marriage licensed signed. Jim gave me money, he let me buy things, but the one thing he didn't give me was love. So this is the end of it all. I started learning Jim wasn't staying in Paris because he was telling people he wasn't. I questioned him and he said that he was staying but I knew he was lying to me. He told too many people I knew there and in letters he was going back to the U.S. in the fall. It was typical of Jim to not tell me his true plans. He also told me, he was getting out of Themis since I didn't want it anymore. I really didn't care about Themis at that point but I thought, he must plan to go back to L.A. but he doesn't have plans for me there since he just wants to dump my boutique on my sister. I thought this was strange but he kept saying his legal fees were so high. I thought there was more to it. There are photos people can see of us just 5 days before Jim died. We look like a happy, loving couple on a day trip in France. Jim had a lot of wine that day, so he was easy to be around. He wasn't saying much to me about the future, in fact, nothing at all. He was there and posing for pictures with me but he was detached and still not doing well.
So then, the night before he died, we had a major fight back at the apartment after we left the restaurant across the street. I was so angry with Jim and I started to rip-up some of his poetry that he had been writing without me around. He said some really cruel things to me, they were so bad and he had done it before but this time, I felt different. It wasn't like in L.A. where I knew he'd be back. He was calling me bad names and telling me, when our credit cards arrived, since we didn't have any in Paris at the time, I could take mine and some cash and he would take his and some cash and he was going off without me. He said he was done and he had somewhere else to go. He started to go on about the heroin I kept in the apartment. I thought I tucked it away and he wouldn't know about all of it, but he knew. I am not proud of it, but I got into it due to depression. I wanted to sleep and not think about anything when Jim wasn't around and I never knew when he'd be back.
He was sick in Paris all the time, but he was leaving and once again, I was going to be left with a credit card and money, but without Jim. I mentioned the letters to other women I saw and he said he was in love with someone else and going to meet her. I don't think he was, I think he was going off alone but he would often say things just to hurt me. It went through me like a knife."
These are the questions Claudia Portugal asked Pamela Susan Courson.
1) CP: I will take down your answers, but please be sure, I am surrounded in the light of Christ and you will have to tell the truth, once and for all. When you met Jim Morrison, he was not famous and it seems like the two of you were happy, what is the real story about the beginning of your relationship?
" Jim and I met and we were young and carefree. He was always very kind and always paid attention to me, but all of the happiness was only in the very beginning. Jim was not at all allowing a serious relationship. He was a poet and believed in being carefree. Jim was very very intelligent and so I felt very important because I was with someone so worldly, it seemed. I believed in astrology and thought we were right for each other, destined to be together."
2) CP: There was constant cheating on both sides with you and Jim and then there was substance abuse on both sides, are you going to say it was just the 60's or why did all this happen in this relationship?
" Yes, it was the 60's but Jim became very popular and I felt that he was always away from me. I was no longer the center of atttention as I once was in the beginning, although it was a very short lived time period. Drugs were readily available, Jim became very unhappy and so was I with not being cared for and being ignored."
3) CP: What were you trying to get from Jim Morrison?
" I was nothing, I had nothing, and I wanted to be popular and have the title of being Mrs. Jim Morrison. He was famous and rich and I existed because of Jim. I was known because of Jim."
4) CP: Was this your first soul incarnation with Jim Morrison?
" Yes, Jim and I had no soul connection prior."
5) CP: Jim Morrison supposedly called you his "cosmic mate" and you were the women he always came back to, no matter what or who he was with. He left his entire estate to you and dedicated his poetry book to you. He gave you everything and eventually left the states to go to Paris with you. Were you his true "cosmic mate" and you obviously had this man and his love, what do you say about all that ?
"I wanted to be his cosmic mate...that's for sure and hoped at times I was, but I wasn't . I did have to go and find Jim and follow him around at times and try to figure out what his next move would be. I had stay on his back to get the poetry book dedicated to me, because at first he was going to dedicate it to Michael McClure. I told him he would look like a fag and that I deserved it, he owed it to me. It was my idea, I wish it had been his idea. I also had to stay on him about his will. Someone that young wasn't going to have a will, he never thought of it until I said the other Doors were greedy. I said some bad things about the Doors all the time to Jim in private. The money from the Doors bought me all this stuff but I always thought they took Jim away from me. Jim disowned his parents entirely and in a way, I was his only family but became less and less important to him as time went on. His sister and brother were kept in touch with secretly here and there but I was really the only stable one in his life."
6) CP: Were you abused by Jim Morrison? If so, how?
" Yes he was verbally abusive starting in 1967 on and off for the rest of his life, and by 1969 couldn't stand to be around me. He made me feel as though he was repulsed by me. Jim was a "Jekyll and Hyde" sometimes in his fits of rage when he was so drunk he would become very mean and scream in my face. He always said the most horrible things to me and called me a whore and other names. I sometimes didn't think Jim knew who he was talking to but it hurt. I know this is silly, but I use to blame the Santa Ana winds. When the Santa Ana winds would act up, I noticed Jim had some very dark moods."
7) CP: Did you always believe Jim would always come back to you because he always did? Did you ever worry he wouldn't?
" Yes, I worried that he wouldn't come back in the beginning, when he started staying at motels but eventually, I eased up on that and realized he would come back when he needed me. In Paris, I realized he was going to leave me and that time, I didn't think he was coming back."
8) CP: Let's fast forward to Paris, it seems romantic from all the pictures of you and Jim there and since no one knew he was a famous singer there for the most part, they don't seem to be taken for press but it seems like you were in love and happy. Five days before his death, you two look like the perfect couple touring Chantilly. What was really going on in Paris?
" Jim told me after the trial he was going to Paris and I wanted a chance with him, to have the life I wanted, Jim away from the Doors and only with me. I was feeling like we were down to our last chance. I admit, I wanted to see Jean again and he couldn't come back to L.A. or the states, because they thought he was involved in the the death of Janis Joplin. Jean told me before, he wasn't coming back. I could not risk losing Jim. I couldn't go back to being nothing with no money or status. What's more I couldn't allow myself to be dumped and publicly humiliated. Jim and I may have looked happy but he was very moody, depressed and withdrawn most of the time in Paris, running to his next drink, I didn't hang out with him on those binges and I never knew where he was a lot of the time. It was a big gamble for me, Jim sent me ahead to Paris and I wasn't even sure he was going to show-up but when he did, I thought we had a chance."
9) CP: How did Jim Morrison actually die and did you take any part in it or your friend the french count? If so, why?
"Jim was shot up with heroin. Yes I did it.Yes, Jean did take part as well, he helped me move him to the bathtub with a friend of his because I could not allow Jim to leave. Jim was leaving me and and wanted to start a new life without me. I could not allow him to do this. Yes, at first he was the love of my life but then I fell in love with Jean. I did not mean to kill him it was an accident. I meant to keep him with me in Paris.
The night before, Jim said he was leaving when he got the money, and credit cards from back home. I had no idea if he got them yet or not, so he could have left at any time and I just wanted him to stay in Paris and try to work it out with me. I thought if I gave him a shot of heroin, he would stay for some days and we could talk it out.
Jim was very sick in London a month before, he threw up blood in the bathtub after I had a hard time waking him up and I called down to the front desk of the hotel for a doctor. I used the story in London a month before, for what happened to him the night he died in Paris. I wasn't with him when he died. I did give him a shot of heroin and he never used it in Paris, or anywhere else. I gave him it to him without him knowing as he was out cold, sleeping and snoring really loud. I gave it to him not to hurt him or kill him but to keep him in Paris. I knew he was sick and he wasn't use to heroin and this stuff was really strong and thought he would just sleep like I did on it. So I gave him the shot and left for the night. I couldn't stay there with this loud snoring, sick Jim after what he said to me the night before, but I thought he would stay in Paris, not run off somewhere else with another woman and I was trying to get him to stay with me. I gave him my whole life, I didn't want him to leave because it felt different, like it was the last time and it would be the end. I don't know why but it did. We weren't the same with each other. We were like friends. He was so bored with me. I mean we went to Corsica and I thought it was going to be romantic and Jim was so bored and he kept talking about how bored he was. Jim was not in love with me anymore, I always wondered if he ever was. I think he felt sorry for me sometimes.
When I went back to California, I couldn't deal with anyone and I thought he died from the heroin but Jean had freaked out badly on me and told me we would both go to jail and he packed up and left the France with his girlfriend just hours after Jim died. Jean helped me with a friend of his move Jim's body in the bathtub, because a bath helped him up in London and I really couldn't wake him up for a long time there. Jean left me and now Jim was gone and I couldn't deal with the reality of it. I spent my whole adult life living for Jim Morrison and I had his money but I never had his love. I wasn't enough for him.
I learned things are not important, the clothes, the money, the cars, it didn't matter. I was alone and I thought maybe I could start over with a guy named Randy, but I was too much for him and what I did to Jim and the love he never gave me, haunted me the rest of my life. If you knew how many times I told myself, Jim must love me, you would call me pathetic. I had to tell myself, because most of the time, he wasn't telling me or showing me. I am sorry I may have accidentally caused his death but I think in turn, he caused mine. I wanted to be his Princess but in the end, it was a fairy tale with a dark ending. He wasn't going to stay with me and I couldn't let go, after sitting at home so many nights, with dinner cooked, waiting for him to show-up, and he never did. All the humiliation I went through with him over other women was so hard. I thought, I stayed this long, I will get what I want. My life was ruined because I tried to hang on to a man that didn't love me. Learn from my mistake because it's not worth it."
10) CP: Who was the french count to you, are you with him or Jim on the other side?
" Jean was very important to me. I wanted him more than any man I have ever wanted sexually, but he was not going to stay with me or marry me I found out. I could not afford to lose Jim. I am not with Jim on this side at all, we are not ever together, we do not communicate. There was an apology made to him in front of others when I came to this side and that was it. Jim is somewhere else, waiting for someone on earth, and that's all I know. I have seen Jean but he is with Talitha. I am with a man named David, that's all I will say about that. I want to be private now, even over here, this is my confession, my cleansing of my soul, it's all I need.
I have had a life review over here if you know what that is and I saw the reality of how Jim felt about me and how I made him feel. It was awful. He wasn't in love with me. I would say infactuated early on is how he felt but he was never as into me as I was into him. I was like a family member to him and a friend but not a true love. I have accepted that and it's over, so I wish those on earth would not be so concerned about talking about our personal life. It wasn't good for me, I needed more than Jim could give me, not the money, the love and attention."
I have had a life review over here if you know what that is and I saw the reality of how Jim felt about me and how I made him feel. It was awful. He wasn't in love with me. I would say infactuated early on is how he felt but he was never as into me as I was into him. I was like a family member to him and a friend but not a true love. I have accepted that and it's over, so I wish those on earth would not be so concerned about talking about our personal life. It wasn't good for me, I needed more than Jim could give me, not the money, the love and attention."
11) CP: After Jim's death, why did you tell so many stories about what happened? Were you even sure what happened? You told people Jim began to do heroin, was that at all true?
" No, Jim did not do heroin. Jim could not do these kinds of drugs and he despised it. I told stories because I was scared and confused. I was a heroin addict and it was an accident gone bad. No I wasnt sure what had happened. I was just trying to force him to stay with me. I was not in my right mind. You must try to understand that Jim was my only security and only way of having an identity. The Rock n' Roll Circus story is a lie about Jim dying there. He didn't go score drugs for me in Paris because I promised him I was quitting and I had plenty of drugs all over the apartment stashed. Jim went to the Rock n' Roll Circus in Paris often and hung out there. I had many friends who went there but it was too crazy for me in that place. It was weirder than anything in L.A. and one night, Jim got very drunk as usual there and apparently passed out in the bathroom. He was sick and he was spitting up some blood and he was carried out the back and brought home in a cab and dropped off at the apartment. He was very pale and out cold. I guess maybe people thought he was dead but he wasn't, he was just drunk and passed out and I don't know how or why, this story became how he died. It's so stupid. He did things like that all the time and strangers got him home or he slept it off wherever he was. That wasn't very long before he died and it was after we came back from our trip to other countries. I know Jean was so freaked out that Jim was dead and at the time, he was the only other person who knew besides me and a friend of his who helped put Jim's body in the bathtub, so Jean and this friend of his, told some friends at the Rock n'Roll Circus Jim was dead and told them how he died, from heroin. I guess that's how that myth came about. If I asked Jim to score for me, I am sure he wouldn't have done it. He didn't do it in L.A. and he wasn't going to do it where he didn't speak any french. Why would I be trying to hide my stash if Jim was ok with it? He wasn't.
One more thing about that, Jim didn't snort the heroin either. He was lying on a bed when I came home, and he was sleeping and really not feeling well. He was making a gurgling sound when he was breathing and snoring and he was out of it, not making sense when I tried to talk to him. I wasn't sure when the money and credit cards were arriving from the Doors office, for all I knew, they could have already arrived and I just wanted him to stay and sleep. I gave him a shot and he hated needles, he would not do that himself or have me do it. He made a face when I did it. When I came back a few hours later, he was not breathing or waking up. He never left the bed is what I think. I thought he was playing a sick joke on me. I was so freaked out. I also found out it was suggested he go to a movie that night, so I said we went, and then he went, because I knew I hadn't seen it. I have no idea if Jim left the apartment that night while I was gone but it really didn't look like he did. I couldn't tell anyone, I shot my husband up with heroin to get him to stay here. I didn't want them to know who he was, because someone from back home may order an autopsy and it was one dose, so it would look suspicious since I was living with him and I did it and many people knew I was around Jean and what he was into. I was going to have Jim cremated, that was the plan but they said it required an autopsy and I wasn't even trying to let anyone at home know, Bill Siddons got it out of me, like he already knew and I couldn't figure out how he knew. I had to hurry up and bury Jim because I really didn't mean to do it.
His body was with me in the apartment for two nights on ice and I didn't look at it. I couldn't, he was blue and I couldn't look at him. I paced around, cried, yelled, calmed down, and took drugs because I was angry, sad and I had to figure out what to do next. I thought at one point, it was a bad dream. I wasn't trying to keep the press away like I told people, I wanted to keep everyone away. I thought it was probably my fault."
12) CP: You could've gone to mediums for decades and told your story, why are you telling it now?
" You are the one I needed to come to. you are a strong medium and it is through you that I have decided to come clean and let go of my earthly life."
13) CP: Do you regret your life as Pamela Susan Courson? Do you regret meeting Jim Morrison?
" I regeret the mistakes that I made. I regret that I met Jim now because he made me feel unloved and unwanted too often and that ruined me somehow. I didn't have a strong enough identity of my own. I thought all his songs were about me but I know that's probably not true and even the song "Not to touch the earth" was one song that I thought we were the two kids, running away , but it was a lie. We were never the two kids on the run, Jim had a life plan that didn't include me as his wife. He outgrew me and I outgrew him."
14) CP: What changed between you and Jim in Paris? Considering you were not together much for the past year and a half before you went to Paris, you were together a lot more it seems in Paris and on all your trips to Africa and Spain with Jim. You two according to photos and video taken, seemed quite happy and in love. Did you rekindle your romance at that time and did you feel you would be with him forever?
"Paris was to be a time Jim chose me over everything and everyone else. It didn't turn out that way. Our romance was never rekindled and I saw Jean and even some other guy while we were there together. I was sleeping with other men during the time Jim and I were in Paris. I needed to be physically wanted and touched by a man and Jim didn't give that to me in a long time. Our sex life was never great anyway, we didn't connect that way to each other, we were different sexually. I wanted someone more romantic and he was not at all romantic with me. I think he gave that to other women maybe, but not me. He was playing a role with me sometimes, I didn't like it. I needed someone to look into my eyes and he was actually kind of rough sometimes.
I took video of our trip, it was something to do. I filmed Jim and thought he would do something with the video like he did with "Feast of Friends" or "HWY." If I shot video he used, I would be involved in his career. I wasn't involved in any of those projects at all and I was trying to get us closer and it wasn't great video but it showed Jim looking at things and visiting things he enjoyed. The pictures that were taken of us less than a week before he died are nice but they are a false image of how we were. Jim was really kind of out of it from being sick, kind of detached and had a lot of wine and was starving. He was easy going that day because he had the wine. A few days later, we would have our fight and I knew he was going to leave."
15) CP: Let's go back to the fact, Jim gave you anything you wanted, money, cars, clothes, jewelry and the dream boutique any girl would be jealous of. You seemed to have really had him, why didn't you make a go of the boutique and why did you want to go to Paris?
"Ok, somehow I knew after the Miami trial, Jim was really not in love with me and he was very detached and cold to me. I mean really cold. He spent the Christmas of 1970 at a hotel and he wasn't with me at all anymore on any holiday anymore, even after ruining my birthday that year. Our relationship was in seriously bad shape. The boutique wasn't fun anymore. Jim wasn't a real partner to me or even a boyfriend, he didn't care about it other than if it made money and it wasn't. I knew our relationship was about to end if I didn't try and make it work. Jim wanted to go back to Paris, he had been there the summer before and he was going back he said after his trial was over and I loved Paris and was treated like a star there so I thought we could save this relationship since he seemed to be done with the Doors, maybe for good."
16) CP: Let's talk about your heroin addiction. Did Jim get you into heroin and were you a true addict who could not stop?
" Jim did not get me into heroin he did not do heroin.. Yes, I was heavily addicted to heroin to the point where I needed it on a daily basis almost as I got older. It ws out of control for me at certain points of time. I did other downers too. I did it because of depression. If things were not going well with Jim, I wanted to sleep it all away but I got really into that stuff. I am sorry I did."
17) CP: Was your own death an accident, or on purpose? Were you ready to leave the earth Pamela?
" Yes my death was an accident. I did not intend to take my own life yet at the time of the accident I was ready to leave the miserable life I was living.
18) CP: You had a public fight with Jim the night before he died, you were not seen in public with him again after that. Did you go to eat Chinese food, to the movies and go back to the apartment with him the night of his death? Did he listen to Doors songs and watch videos of your trips and then go take a bath?
" No I did not. Jim was sick laying on a bed when I came in and he was mumbling and his breathing sounded awful. I didn't wake him up, I gave him the shot and left for a few hours."
19) CP: Why have you had a broken heart since you came to the other side? That's a long time to be in such distress, what is wrong and how are you working on it?
" I needed so badly for Jim to love me because I felt so rejected by him. I gave my whole life for Jim but I was not good enough for him. I needed Jim or Jean to love me and be with me and yet I lost both. I needed attention, money, a name. I am now coming to terms with my mistake and trying very hard to let go and come to a place of peace and completely detach from my earth life. I never liked the fans. Jim's fans thought they knew him and they didn't. I wish the fans would stop talking about me all the time, it's not a tribute, it's kind of sad. They have it all wrong about me and Jim and how he treated me. I wish they could hear the fight we had before he left for Miami in 1969, it was brutal and he didn't want me to go with him and I wanted to go so he would be with me on that vacation after the concert, not other women. If they saw how he treated me or heard what he said to me, they would not be worshipping him. I mean he was a great poet and I know that but he wasn't a very nice man some of the time and I gave him everything. The fans want to make him immortal, and they want to make his death a great mystery. He was just a really complicated, mixed up man. I wish they would stop speculating about me and our relationship. It's crazy. They didn't know me or him personally and the ones on earth that did know us, never knew the private times we had and how unstable life with Jim always was. It would be nice if people didn't assume things about me. I wasn't his cosmic mate, I wanted to be, but I wasn't. I wanted to marry him and have a child but he wasn't going to do that with me. I wanted to leave the states for good with him, but I believe he was going to go back in the fall to some of his women or a particular woman somewhere. I saw the note he sent to the Doors accountant and he said we weren't going back but he told people I knew that he was going back in the fall and I saw it in some of his letters I wasn't suppose to see. The desk he used in the apartment in Paris had a lock on a drawer. He thought he could keep things from me but he should've known he couldn't."
20) CP: Final words you wish to share with the public, how is anyone to believe this is true?
" I am truly sorry I ended Jim's life so soon before his time. I have come to tell the truth so that I may be free and move to a higher level and be at peace. I want to be at peace and let go of the torment. I am gratedul you were willing to do this interview. You are a strong soul and you are the one who has helped me to come to terms with my mistakes. Thank you Claudia. I think if the fans and people who are so curious about Jim's death read this, it makes a great deal of more sense than some of the crazy theories people have put out. Jim wasn't stupid, and I don't think he would ever mistake my heroin for cocaine. He didn't want to snort lines on a table when he came home feeling sick that day. I know his friend Alain has given some stories about that day, Jim was obviously unwell. I did call Alain but Jim was already dead when I called so I could start dealing with it. Alain was nice and helped me but he never knew the truth, I couldn't tell anyone, protecting both myself and Jean. Alain had to sense something was up though because Jean showed up later before he left France when Alain was still at the apartment. If Jim had been at the Rock n' Roll Circus to score drugs that night, even for me, and they brought him back dead and put him in a bathtub, I would not have given such an unbelievable account of that night. I did the best I could, I was sort of out of my mind but trying hard to think. I would have wanted to know who did what to Jim and would've called the police and had them investigate his death. I would not lie to cover that up and I would not have known that supposedly Jim sampled heroin, or what he was doing, would I? But I would want to find out how he died and if someone killed him. There would be no proof he was there scoring for me if he was alone and I wasn't in danger of anything if he had been returned to the apartment dead. But my story was not the greatest, but was a recollection based on London a month earlier so I could describe what happened when Jim was really sick and took a bath. You need to understand, I was an American girl, in France, who had hardly any money left, I had very little cash because the money had not yet come from the Doors office but I wasn't sure if Jim had it or not. I didn't find it, so I was alone, and the man I called my husband, a rock singer from America just died in the apartment we shared, possibly because I gave him one of my drugs to keep him asleep for awhile. I had to be careful what I did and what I said. If Jim had died any other way, with anyone else, anywhere else, I would want to know where, how, who and why. I would not quickly bury him and get the hell out of Paris. I had something to hide and that's why I did it. People can be so stupid. Some man shows up named Sam and writes a book years and years later and people fall for it. It would not make sense for me to lie about that night if Jim died anywhere else. I would want to find out who did it and how it happened."
Sunday, July 17, 2011
The Great Improvisation. (Heath Ledger)
Heath Ledger comes in to speak, and share the truth of his life and passing.
-Heath begins by speaking of his life, as it was due to be a short incarnation. Heath has been on earth so many times and when you become evolved, or somewhat evolved, existence in an human body on the planet earth is more difficult, as you often feel like an alien visiting earth as Heath most certainly did much of the time as an adult. Heath was deeply loved by his family, parents, and sisters and adores them with every ounce of his being. Heath loves his darling angel, his daughter Matilda, beyond what we can imagine and is confident she will be well looked after. Heath has a deep respect for Michelle Williams but states, they would have never lasted as a couple. Heath could not be what Michelle wanted but tells us, that Michelle has a great and true love walking the earth she is not together with yet but he is hoping it happens for her and she is loved as she longs to be. They would not have reconciled, though it was all very sad for their daughter.
-Heath speaks of not being a true thespian in a classical sense but he took his craft very seriously and worked to become the characters he played so much, he would often need to detox the character after a project was completed.
-Heath tells us, that many people believe playing the "Joker" pushed him over the edge and he said, it was more his role in "Brokeback Mountain." Of course, he wanted to meet Michelle and have his daughter, but that particular role proved to be a heavy load for Heath to bear. He liked to travel about as he pleased, do what he wanted and fame was always something that made him uncomfortable in his own skin. "Brokeback Mountain" brought a level of publicity, intrusion and negativity Heath was not totally anticipating and he found himself ill prepared to deal with it and represent the important movie and its' themes with accuracy and integrity. He felt like he was being pushed and this exasperated all the feelings he had of the discomfort being in the public eye.
-Heath abused substances, meaning drugs for two reasons, the discomfort of being in his own skin and the insomnia that seemed endless and debilitating. Heath says, he took what is called an exit point as his soul decided, it was time to go and this plan went into effect 18 months prior to his passing but he wasn't aware of it on a conscious, human level. He indicates, he was going to exit earth one way or another and it was better he went in his sleep, though he certainly believed at the time he was only taking an afternoon nap and trying to rest up and heal as he did not feel physically or mentally well and believed sleep would do the trick. He tried many substances, looking for the answer and he never truly found it. All the substances, worked almost against each other and created many problems but he tells us, he lived with the belief he could take all those substances due to the fact he had been doing it for months before he crossed over with no serious problems. He was not a drug addict, not addicted to one substance or several substances but was addicted to trying to turn off the discomfort of being him, very much the voyeur, or like a ghost at times walking the earth. It was a very strange feeling he had in those final months on earth he says.
-Heath's portrayal as "the Joker" was a bit taxing on him but not in the sense it pushed him over any edge, he was already there with "Brokeback Mountain" but while many cannot understand this, it was time for him to go and this makes no sense he tells us because he had a young daughter on earth. The separation from Michelle was done to make it easier for this transition to occur but he tells us, he is sorry his family, Michelle and his close mates suffered so much with his passing. Heath acknowledges his own daughter despite her young age missed him immediately and now, he will be around her on a rather consistent basis to see her through but feels at peace with the love and care she is supported with.
-Heath says despite claims made by some "famous" or Heath says "infamous" psychic, he will not be returning to earth any time soon, he would not even consider reincarnating at this time or maybe ever. He has been here many times over and he now has many jobs he does, and devotes his energy to on the other side. He wants people searching through their own self-consciousness, to see how drugs, in the chemical sense, alter us biologically, and are a huge gamble even if prescribed by a doctor. He is trying to influence treatment of substance abuse, to change course actually and to become a wealth of knowledge on what these substances that we use do to us physically, mentally and emotionally, how some of them change or restructure brain chemistry. He is working diligently on this project with many others to influence great minds in psychology, and psychiatry on earth to begin to utilize alternative methods of treatment. He smiles in a shy fashion when he remarks his story is not like that of Anna Nicole Smith and he has never met her on the other side. Their stories are quite different and when he first crossed over, he was not necessarily in a good place, not in hell but in a place of needing some recovery space from the earth life or the ride he had just been on. It was such a smooth, easy transition, no better way to go than in your sleep Heath says.
-Heath says now he believes his favorite film would be "A Knight's Tale" as he just loves the story and life was very good for him at that stage. He says on earth it was "Braveheart" and he still is very grateful to Mel Gibson and forever will be. He also starts talking about Hollywood legend Jean Harlow, saying he has quite a crush on her and will leave it at that. He is not with a mate on the other side but insists, it's only due to the fact, he still has much work to do on Heath. Heath says he thinks his performance in "10 things I hate about you" is pretty awful now but he knows that film gave him such opportunity. He is grateful for everyone, for everything but we must understand, for someone as evolved spiritually as Heath Ledger, taking a journey to earth is quite the bumpy ride.
-Heath has met Nick Drake and says they are very much kindred spirits as Heath always believed they were. Heath starts talking about a group called Silverchair, they resonated with him and he liked songs that had a haunting nature to them or a song that stays with you all the time. that has almost a chilling effect and Heath says there were many of those for him. Heath also mentions a group called "the Lords of Acid" and how so many people who liked him like them as well. He starts to mention a song called "Old Man" and he says now, it's rather annoying and smiles because now he doesn't think very much of that song at this juncture. Heath starts whistling and singing "Superstition" by Stevie Wonder, and then he exits by saying his life was a great role, a great improvisation and good films end leaving you wanting more, feeling almost unsatisfied, as you want to know what happens next, so he hopes everyone enjoyed it more than he did at times.
Saturday, July 16, 2011
Truth. (Bob Marley)
Channeled to Jacqueline
Bob Marley has come to speak to me, with a heavy accent and so I ask for clarity. His eyes are crystal clear, his smile is gorgeous as he begins:
-"I am here because I wish to tell the truth, for nothing else matters and there can only be one truth. I don't believe in the seers or psychics as you call them that do this to pad their pockets, not in the least" says Bob but he says he does believe in this process because he was and still is a philosopher and still has messages to convey.
-Music Bob Marley says, is the most unifying and significant communication form presently on the planet, it has been for thousands of years but the cranked out, complete junk they are selling you or saturating your airwaves with, leaves much to be desired in his opinion. What do the artists stand for who are making this music? Why don't they take it seriously he asks? Bob says, everything in life cannot be taken as a joke and most of all, with such a powerful medium to reach people, you should have something important and significant to say. The world is not improving, but things are getting much worse Bob says, and the power we have to reach the masses is spent on such meaningless lyrics and shallow images.
-"What is your truth?" Bob asks, "What is the truth?" If you don't know your own soul or what you believe in, then you should not be speaking to the masses, for your message is, nothing is important but you", says Bob Marley.
-People believe or some do that Bob Marley is all about smoking blunts (he smiles) that's really freedom of choice and cultural but not inherent to his philosophy and goals. It is not inherent to his soul. He lashes out at those who believe this was really important to his message.
-Bob acknowledges 13 children on earth and Bob says he watches his children and is proud of each and every one of them. Bob loves Rita more than any other woman but states that the music business or show business makes it difficult if not impossible to have a true marriage and is no place for married people who wish to stay married.
-Bob realized before his death how corrupt show business was and how there was a tinge of corruption on his soul especially with the women who never stopped throwing themselves at him. "Money became empty, the soul was running dry" Bob says after years in show business.
-His message is, there is one God and many paths to him, Jah is God he says and God is the same God everyone speaks to who sees truth, not superiority of one person or color or creed, or gender over another. "God is a God of light and truth, not fear, not oppression, not judgment for you will judge yourself and feel the pain you inflicted upon every human being on your return" to what Bob calls "Zion." Your soul has a tally Bob tells us and will keep score of the rights and wrongs you have done and freedom only comes from living and breathing and most of all speaking the truth. The truth is, no one is better than another, and no one should be exalted over another for empowerment or control of anyone.
-Bob speaks about the U.S. since the channel (Jacqueline resides in the Northeast of the U.S.) and suggests, what the U.S. has done to many places is criminal and he is pointing now to Haiti and is deeply saddened by what has happened there, suggesting the U.S. has cultivated many of the problems in that place. The middle east wants to be divided Bob says, there is no point in trying to bring anything there now but suggests Africa is the key to all the world thriving and being in peace and harmony, the Motherland is the true feminine energy of the planet and must be respected as such, Bob Marley tells us. Bob Marley is puzzled by President Obama, suggesting he wants to "assimilate" more than speak the truth. Bob does not understand the need to "fit in" to say the U.K's vision of the world or France's vision of the world but not wish to bring about necessary changes to the world stage, given the rare opportunity Mr. Obama has been given, like a gift from God says Bob, a gift being misused and wasted in Bob Marley's viewpoint. Jamaica is not the way he hoped it would be, but only the people are to blame he says.
-Bob has many teachers on the other side and teaches many. One of his teachers is, Jiddu Krishnamurti which he believes everyone should read. Joseph Campbell, the American writer is around Bob along with play write August Wilson, who is very quiet and very close to Bob. Bob also has admiration for Tupac Shakur and Notorious Big, suggesting Christopher Wallace was so different in his lyrics and perceptions, he was original and Tupac was deep. Bob is with his brother he says, Lucky Dube, and keeps suggesting the singers known as "the Fugees" are two people he has no respect for, but does not elaborate on that comment. He also believes Bono's heart is in the right place and the group called Black Uhuru should be honored like the Rolling Stones. He also likes a group on earth presently known as "Rusted Root" for their deep soul fusion of sounds, and starts singing a song Donna Summer made public called "State of Independence." He also loves Chuck D of "Public Enemy." May you all listen to the song "Fear of a Black Planet" says Bob Marley. He also speaks of many singers we would not know who are not yet famous. He has more admiration for someone who picks up a guitar on a street corner and sings the messages and not rides in limos with make-up people and lives for their own hype. Bob also speaks of Carly Simon, and says he respects her greatly, loves her song "Touched by the sun" and her version of "Blackbird." Bob says some of the best singers in the world now are from Africa and there will be a woman who will win the hearts of the world with her voice in four years who has lived in the depths of disease and famine.
-Bob says he was not murdered but his earthly body left by a terrible disease. There were assassination plots on his life and he would not have made it past the age of 37 regardless. One major plot was hatched in Jamaica he says, another one hatched in Germany. He was more important than he realized. His soul was ready to go, he has put down the torch so others can carry it, not extinguish it with their lack of vision, and message. Though born in Jamaica, his heart is in Ethiopia and he says, people will think it is trendy to visit an Ethiopian restaurant but the culture, the feeling, the truth evades them about the place he is now fondest of on earth. He is rather disenchanted with singers who mention him and who seem to be "fans" of his but continue to use their gift for no message but to publicize and glamorize themselves. "Glamour" is a great illusion says Bob Marley, the soul is not glamorous. the fight for truth and justice is not glamorous, what is it to say, I always wanted to be glamorous? It says one is shallow" and Bob uses the word "foreboding" for someone on earth and says they will understand and smiles. The message should be to promote unity, understanding and respect not look at me says Bob Marley. Bob says, God is the true light resides in all men and women but they allow corruption and inner demons to overtake their light so they are individually glorified instead of working for the whole. Bob does not blame alternative cancer treatments for his bodily death but knows it was time to go home and it was time to pass the microphone so others can lead the way.
-Bob Marley speaks of his concert at the Stanley Theater in September of 1980, it was emotional, important in so many ways and he says sometimes though that venue does not exist in that context any longer, he returns to that area of Pennsylvania with his dear friend, August Wilson, who lived there for years. He is not haunting anyone but Bob Marley is hoping, that everyone will believe in a greater message than self-promotion. "There should be no hunger" says Bob, "in a world of plenty, no hunger for food, or knowledge. There should be more people reading Maya Angelou" Bob Marley says and smiles. Bob wants to leave by saying "We must come to a place where we realize, we are a part of the whole, not a shining star in the night, but a contributor to something much larger than ourselves." Bob ends the channeling by saying "Cancer is a poison that comes to our human body and we are asked to put more poison in to kill the poison that has already invaded; Your body cannot be saved or spared sometimes from a difficult ending so why go to extraordinary means to live on when your soul has decided to fly free? Perhaps we are afraid of soaring, and we cling to things that are temporary but seem stable and comforting. Your spirit will live forever, it will roam in the night, and be a powerful force. Do you choose to believe in the temporary human body or the everlasting spirit? Which means more to you?"
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Jim Morrison: The Phoenix Rises
(Jim Morrison from the Doors has channeled to Guest Blogger, psychic-medium Claudia Portugal)
Find Claudia on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/home.php#!/profile.php?id=100002612821902
Or to contact Claudia directly with comments, questions or for private readings, send her to:
ClaudiaPortugal1@yahoo.com
Jim has come to Claudia to discuss the one he left behind, and factual details of his death in Paris, in July of 1971.
The Phoenix is a representation of death and rebirth in the sun. Jim compares himself to this.
These are the exact words Jim Morrison gave to psychic-medium Claudia Portugal:
"I am always around my Rebecca, always watching her and always protecting her. I have absolutely no interest at all regarding any of my past life here on Earth. My fans always claim that I was quite the massive fuck-up , and was robbed of a good life and career, but deep down I was unhappy and unsatisfied. Even through all the fame and all the women that constantly fell all over me, I was always missing something or someone; in reality I was missing my mate. My twin flame eternal mate; I was missing my Rebecca.
Unfortunately, I need to go back and mention my life as Jim Morrison, resident lunatic of the Doors. This my dear, is a true orison for you. My 27 and half years on earth as Jim Morrison were simply a destiny, unfulfilled, sidetracked and somewhat deranged. I grew up longing to be a bohemian writer, not a hippie, there is quite a big difference in those lifestyles. I later believed film could be a great art form and path for me to take. Seeing European art films during my high school years was a great inspiration. I didn't believe I was going to be John Ford, but maybe an Americanized version of Jean-Luc Godard. My aspirations may have been quite high in terms of this dream of a writing and film career, but of course, I didn't plan to get into music, it was fate.
The collection of books written about me are an affront, something inherently infantile and one dimensional. They report one drunken escapade after another, clearly demonstrating I had all the classic characteristics of an alcoholic, which of course was the absolute truth. I was an alcoholic, it was a physiological dependency but one I could have and would have beaten permanently. Cigarettes, were also an addiction that would've resurfaced during my lifetime if my life had not been prematurely extinguished.
My life was a mystery as was my death. You see, I was an actor playing roles for everyone. I gave people exactly what they sought out from me and kept my life in various compartments. No one, and I mean no one was able to enter more than two of my compartments at any given time. A healthy life, is essentially one where all the compartments of what is contained within are fully integrated in a person. I was never the same in front of one person that I was in front of another. I could not be who I really was, because most of the time, I didn't know who Jim Morrison was; I was continuously searching. I begin to try to focus on reinventing myself in Paris for a few months in 1971. I was quite ill and the part the wonderful books about me don't know, is that I had two conditions I was not being treated for at the time of my demise. One, was just misdiagnosed for months by Parisian doctors, it's called pleurisy. I was not diagnosed properly for this condition and therefore not receiving proper treatment and it turns out, I also had developed an ulcer, more specifically a duodenal ulcer. These conditions fully explain the symptoms I was experiencing during my final months on earth. They would've been properly diagnosed and treated later in July of 1971. I didn't make it that long, I did not take my own life, I did not accidentally overdose on anything, what people will never believe or accept is, I was murdered. I was murdered because someone believed they owned me and could not leave me be.
My death was not a suicide; I was murdered by the unstable mate that I was with. We argued on July 1st, I was leaving Pamela. She needed money, she did not want me, yet she wanted me to stay with her because of her popularity if she and I stayed together, and have the money as well. She was in love with the French Count, but he had left her for the second time. The night of the murder, I had not been feeling well. She had come to see me and we argued, and she slipped a sleeping pill in my drink, I always had a drink around me. She meant to knock me out but instead she killed me by shooting me up with a dose of heroin. I was very sick and I was also very sensitive to opiates. I did not take drugs the night of my death other than prescription anti-spasmodic medicine; I had a drinking problem and I refused to do heroin. She was a heroin junkie. I had no intention of staying with her. She knew I was leaving her, and she didn’t want that to happen. She meant to knock me out, and instead she overdosed me with heroin. Between my illness, the alcohol, sleeping pill, and heroin; it ended fatally. Later, she and Count Jean, moved me from my bed to the bathtub to make it look like I overdosed myself. Panic then set in because if an autopsy took place, she may well be sitting in a Parisian jail cell, with her lover. I was not a heroin user, I was not in love with her, and she couldn’t allow me to leave. She needed to preserve her financial security and celebrity status…so she thought. She had intentions to force me to stay with her. Jean left her and she could not allow herself to be left alone, with no status or money.
My death was actually, due to the fact I did not break off that long on again/off again pseudo-relationship. It became apparent to the albatross around my neck, I was getting ready to leave her and this time, probably not return. You see, there was a big fight the night of July 1st that went on for nearly 3 hours. My future plans were revealed and this was something I had not intended to do with her. You can find pictures I would rather have you not see of me and this bitch in France taken a few days before my demise, where we look content, somewhat happy together though my eyes were empty. I was playing a role with her so she didn't realize as soon as I got the money from the Door's office back in the states, I was gone. In L.A., I would just take off on her, for days, weeks or months. She would never know what I was going to do and this time, I had to be careful she didn't catch-on. I am not proud of this but anyone who met me on earth will often describe a different person, because I gave them all each of what I thought they wanted. Call it a psychological game or call me an actor, it doesn't matter anymore, it's over. I am on this side now because someone could not let me go or let me be and this was the person who claimed to love me.
People hardly question the extreme cover-up of my death. They buy the story I died in a bathtub, throwing up pineapple and blood. They believe I went to see a movie that night, when I was hardly able to climb the stairs at the apartment; I never saw a movie my last night on earth or ate Chinese food. Who can vouch for these stories then or now? It's a complete joke. I didn't go out to score drugs for a woman who vowed to get off smack and clean-up her life and had stashes of her poison secretly hidden all over the apartment. I was thrown out of the nightclub I supposedly died in, for being drunk and disorderly and I was also taken out one night and put in a taxi for passing out in the bathroom, because I was drink, and sick, and not because I was snorting heroin. This kind of thing often happened in L.A., but no one really cared.
After my untimely demise, lies were told and rumors started. I did not bite the dust in the bathroom of a Parisian night club. No need to believe a book that came out over 30 years since my death by a so-called friend who I hardly knew. I knew strippers better than Sam Bennett.. I did not mistake heroin for cocaine. Yes, I did use drugs on earth but I was an alcoholic, not a drug addict. I used drugs during that time period to discover what Crazy Horse had seen in a vision, the world beyond this one, the real world, not the mirage. It was quite common in the times I lived in to partake in L.S.D, peyote, and cocaine. I believed these drugs would help me write and they turned out to be empty vessels. I was not into opiates. I had tried them, didn't like them and felt like the drug induced stupor they put me in the few times I experienced them was not my trip. I was never a heroin user, considered it trash, and it turned out to be poison for me. I did not willingly take heroin the night of my death, there was no consent and I had quite a few drinks before returning to the Parisian apartment the night I died, so as a non-heroin user, the combination of the health problems I was experiencing, and the alcohol, did me in.
Pamela and I were always fighting. No one except for one individual knew that I was going to leave her and end it indefinitely with Pamela. She did find out that this was my plan, and this was her reason for trying to prevent me from leaving Paris. She did murder me, but it was an accident. She did not want me to leave and she was not thinking or behaving like a rational person. She was a heroin junkie and her motive was to stop me from leaving. She did not plan to kill me, she planned to keep me with her in Paris. She thought that by drugging me that would keep me there with her, but her irrational behavior killed me. I did not do drugs while in Paris; she injected me in the foot. She thought it would be undetectable that way. I was sick and drunk on top of that, making it a lethal concoction. Pamela did not care about me; I was never in love with Pamela as the media always portrayed. All of it was for show and publicity, and she just wanted the status and the money.
Numerous women surrounded me, but those that claimed to have had a relationship with me never cared about me. They cared about the money, the fame, and their identity. Pamela only cared about her meal ticket and popularity. All of them, including the witch Patricia, who claims to have been my only wife on earth, did not care about me. They didn’t even know me. The so called “Pagan wedding” was all a big fraud, as we had no marriage. No one really knew me at all, not to mention, my inner feelings about my truest, deepest desires. I couldn’t care less who I was with. I didn’t care much about them, as I always felt empty inside. These women who claimed they were the “one” for me, are all liars. None of them were the one for me. All of them were just money and status hungry vultures. Just because I met Pamela before I had money or fame, once I got it, she was the one who lived for it, as she was materialistic and had to assume her identity from a man since she had nothing going for her - other than her looks which by the time we got to Paris, weren't all that great for a 24 year old girl. She was an empty shell. In the beginning we were kids having fun, she was going to be just another girlfriend for me, but she clung to me and I felt increasingly guilty for the drug addiction that engulfed her. Looking back now, since I didn't introduce her to heroin and in fact, continually told her it was bullshit to use it, I should have realized where this all was heading. She would just show-up wherever I was, motel rooms, concerts, wherever she could find me. She was not going to let go and I felt guilt and if I was so in love with her, you would see much more evidence.
I am sure I would've asked Pamela to accompany me to the most serious and important situation I faced in my life, my trial in Miami. I made sure she did not go, I didn't want her there. If I was in love with her, I would've wanted her by my side. She pulled a stunt back in L.A. because she knew she was steadily losing her grip on me. She overdosed and was hospitalized for supposed exhaustion or so I guess they called it in those days. I did not rush home from Miami to acknowledge her childish actions, I actually drove back from Florida to California with one of my best friends Babe Hill and stopped along the way. Does that sound like a man in love? She ran off with her french count after I was convicted in Miami and out on appeal because he was accused of overdosing Janis Joplin. She took off out of the country when her supposed husband was returning from such a serious matter. People need to come to reality. She was in love with the Count by 1970 and I was not in love with her ever, she was just another girlfriend who acted so helpless and laid a massive guilt trip on me. I wish I had fallen in love on earth once, it never happened and I know why, I was only meant for one, and I would not have met her for another decade and when I did, it would've been total euphoria.
I come to you only because I am interested in my Rebecca, I am not interested in anything else and I have no interest in hanging around and talking to any Medium just for the hell of it. I am here only for my Rebecca until she comes home. I am around my Rebecca always. She is the only thing that matters to me. Once she comes home, there will be no reason for me to be around. I don’t give a fuck what goes on here on Earth and who’s doing what. I always make sure that my true love, eternal mate is looked after. Any psychic Medium out there that claims to be talking to me is a big ass liar. I am around you and only you because of my Rebecca.
I enjoyed writing poetry. Most of my time was spent writing poems…when I wasn’t working that is. I aspired to be a poet, but it was my musical career that made me popular. I didn’t care much about it; I cared about deep intellectual things, going into a deeper level of understanding and expression. I had a love of books, I longed for a higher and deeper knowledge of the structure of life and the universe. I drank, but it was to numb myself through the constant sorrow of there being no fulfillment. I drank on daily basis, so to choose to remain constantly under the influence. I could see things no one around me could see, I had visions all the time, which led me to self destruction.
I felt the need to go to other Mediums to talk about my love, and my true love Rebecca. Most of the time it back fired, as these people, or women I should say, would start to become greedy, jealous with envy, and would want me to be interested in them., so the messages were never quite accurate, other than the book “Turn the Page”. And even that book left a lot to be desired. I channeled to women because I felt that it would be more effective to get the message out to the world, but I didn’t stop to think or realize that these women would fall into a state, of greed, envy, and pure idiocy. All I care about is my Rebecca. Nothing else here on Earth holds any momentous, or yearning calling to me.
I needed to move on with my life. All I wanted to do was start anew and put behind the life I was leading. I was planning to leave The Doors. I felt I would do much better if I could pursue this life as a writer. I was tired of the music I was writing. I wanted something new and different. All of these plans were going to take place once I left Pamela for good. I allowed the management that surrounded me to manipulate and control what I played. I didn’t like doing things nearly for the hell of it. I really wanted to have deep, significant music with the poetic lyrics I would add to my tunes. Unfortunately, my life was cut short because I was a NON-HEROIN USER, and that poison was given to me without my consent or knowledge until it was too late and my life ended the way it did. Not much was accomplished on an artist’s level, according to me. All of my fans have this type of adoration toward me, and I don’t understand why. I was always wasted so my true artistic talent never shined through the way I would have wanted.
I become seriously angered when I look at my earthly reflection in the universal mirror and wonder how my life would have been different had I lived and married my true love, eternal mate Rebecca.
I am around for my Rebecca and no one else. I channeled previously to a woman named June about my death but then she became greedy and jealous, and she never set the story straight. I spoke to Jacquie in great detail about my love of Rebecca, and spoke to a woman named Darcy, who understood my soul and I have come in contact with her true love, Vern. I have visited Francine in Pennsylvania, about my true love Rebecca, as she is very trustworthy.
I did tell a woman named Victoria how I died but I stopped speaking to her in December of 2010. I AM NOT speaking to Victoria now, never will again, so she needs to knock off her bullshit. I do not come through to fans, never was understood by fans or never understood them, have no interest in hanging around his empty shrine of a grave or hanging around in Virginia in bed with some woman who wishes I was in bed with her, sorry Rhonda. I don't show up as a ghost for any mediums just to talk as I only have an agenda. I did channel to a man who is unaware I gave him my words. He is a talented author named John Smelcer and I completed an unfinished poem for him called "Coyote Blues." He took the task of finishing my work quite seriously but I was there with him and literally gave him the rest of the poem through his crown chakra. The poem actually is exactly what I wanted it to be, it is finished, just as my earth life is.
If I were to do this over again, I would be with my Rebecca and our children. I would write poems and continue composing music along side my one and only true love Rebecca. There’s no one for me but her. . Never was, never will be, from here to all eternity.
I recall this film I saw on earth that wasn't all that memorable called ""The Thomas Crown Affair"" but the song from it was, ""The windmills of my mind"", because now it seems to speak gently in the night about my feelings for Rebecca. No beginning, no end but the despair I experience as things did not go as planned seems to be suggested beautifully in the lyrics. This notion we all go to the other side and we are in a ""better place"" is a fallacy. If you are separated from the only one who has a hold on you, it's no good. I crave her beyond my cravings for alcohol on earth, it's incomprehensible.
I did not recognize that my music career was a success, mainly because I did not approve of how it was managed. Nor did I approve of the quality of the music. I was never satisfied. All I wanted was to compose music that would reach all at a soul level.
I continue to write songs on the other side for my Rebecca. I am waiting for her, and she is always on my mind. The day of her arrival will be a day of celebration for me. We will go on to live the life we were meant to live and have our children. I am only around to watch over her and see that she is all right until the day she comes home to me. Many on the other side await her arrival. She is very important to many of us here on the other side. She belongs to a soul group of great importance. I am not making any more attempts to channel any other psychics, so if you hear or read of someone, or a psychic claiming to talk to me, you must disregard it, as I have only been coming in to Claudia with messages to set the record straight. I need to make sure that from this moment on, no one put out any more crap about me. A lady named MJ has some letters I have given her to put out to Rebecca, that's all folks. I want nothing else but to be with my true love eternal mate. I am tired of the bullshit, the delusional books, and I have never made contact over here with a woman named Peggy. I am tired of those I knew on earth, claiming to have superior knowledge of me and exploiting me. Take a look in the mirror Sally, Janet and I could name a few others but these women need to get a life. I wasn't your savior, I wasn't even really your friend to any real extent. I was just someone else you met along the way, your time could be spent on much more meaningful and TRUTHFUL things."
As a gift to my Rebecca, I channeled to someone named Darcy awhile back. http://mrmojorisin.blog.com/2011/02/19/love-eterna/
Jim then proceeded to give Claudia some closing comments. He speaks of Lucille Fletcher and something she wrote entitled the "The Hitchhiker" and how it inspired him. Jim conveyed to Claudia, he prefers the version presented on radio on what was known as "Suspense" theater than the version later presented on "The Twilight Zone." He speaks of "Suspense" theater and how they would replay episodes and mentions a wine from Fresno, California, called "Roma Wines." He saw "The Hitchhiker" on the "Twilight Zone" as well, but it wasn't as good, as Orson Welles had the lead role on radio.
Jim spoke to Claudia of the Formosa Cafe in West Hollywood and how someone on earth who never sold him out, will recall being there with him!
Jim then mentioned the song is mentions "THE BEST I EVER HAD” by Gary Allan, and told Claudia, he sends this song to Rebecca:
So you sailed away
Into a grey sky morning
Now I'm here to stay
Love can be so boring
Nothing's quite the same now
I just say your name now
[Chorus]
But it's not so bad
You're only the best I ever had
You don't want me back
You're just the best I ever had
So you stole my world
Now I'm just a phony
Remembering the girl
Leaves me down and lonely
Send it in a letter
Make yourself feel better
[Chorus]
But it's not so bad
You're only the best I ever had
You don't need me back
You're just the best I ever had
And it may take some time to
Patch me up inside
But I can't take it so I
Run away and hide
And I may find in time that
You were always right
You're always right
So you sailed away
Into a grey sky morning
Now I'm here to stay
Love can be so boring
What was it you wanted
Could it be I'm haunted
[Chorus]
But it's not so bad
You're only the best I ever had
I don't want you back
You're just the best I ever had
The best I ever had
The best I ever
Jim says Carl Jung's "Red Book" was given to him in dreams and other forms of hallucinations from the divine and all seeking enlightenment should start by reading the book. Jung became disillusioned with scientific rationalism and began to work on the spirit of the depths. This book is a journey that should be undertaken by anyone seeking true enlightenment and soul transformation as it will open the door to your journey:
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/09/20/magazine/20jung-t.html
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