SHE LIVED ON LOVE STREET: PAMELA SUSAN COURSON

"SHE LIVED ON LOVE STREET" (The Broken Heart of Pamela Susan Courson)

This is a channeling session done by psychic, medium Claudia Portugal with the soul that was known as "Pamela Susan Courson." the common law wife of the late singer, Jim Morrison. Pamela is here to make confessions about her life, her relationship with Jim, his death, her death and why her heart has been broken since she returned to the other side. Her goal is to keep rising into more levels of light (higher consciousness) and break free of the heartache and pain. She is sometimes at peace, wanting to move on from her past life and sometimes, she goes into lower energy and clings to her earthly identity.

This exactly what Pamela Susan Courson told Psychic Medium, Claudia Portugal. Follow-up questions follow Pamela's opening statement:

"What I wanted most was, a husband, a home and a child or maybe children, but I know I at least wanted one baby. I wanted to be married and have someone want to be with me all the time. I don't think people understand how I felt. I gave Jim a place to stay before anyone knew who he was. I took care of him, cooked for him, washed his clothes, whatever he needed and what I got for it was, he would run off for days, and weeks and be with other women. Alcohol didn't destroy our relationship, the fact he didn't want to marry me and give me a child did. I don't know why, but people keep thinking we were so in love because he always came back to me but the truth is, that was usually because he was sick, tired, needed a home cooked meal or just didn't want to be bothered. It was to get his strength back from all the running around. There were times he was more excited to see our dog Sage, than me. I was always waiting for Jim. I had boyfriends too, and part of that was revenge or to see if he cared and he really didn't, but part of it was to find somebody who would put me first. Just because Jim bought me things and let me spend his money, that wasn't enough. He was with so many women that I heard about and I spied on him a few times and saw it all myself, I always thought I could be replaced and then what would I do? I spent my life waiting for Jim to come home, to make a real life with me and to marry me. I just wanted to be married, legally, with the ceremony. I called him my husband and he never said anything but I knew sometimes it bothered him. I know to other people he usually called me his "old lady" or once in a while, his "girlfriend." There were times we were together and I felt like he loved me but those were short lived, he would suddenly become mean to me and all I wanted was his love. I would beg him to stay with me sometimes and he would leave with whoever, his friend Babe, or others and say he had to go out and I wouldn't see him for days. I wanted what Ray Manzarek and Dorothy had. Jim and I went to their wedding and I thought ours should be next.



People believed Jim and I were so in love because they would see us at parties.  I loved to go to parties, and I loved for Jim to show me off,  and I would always make sure I looked good for him.  I liked to find the right clothes and do my make-up.  I would starve myself if I gained a few pounds.   I liked to socialize and hear the latest gossip.  Jim would act like I was the center of his world at some of the parties but as soon as it seemed I was distracted, talking to other people, I would see the looks Jim gave other females that he was either sleeping with or going to sleep with.  Jim was always on the prowl, even in public.  Imagine how it made me feel.  people would tell me how beautiful I was and the man I was looking so beautiful for, was always getting involved with other women.  If you wondered why I stayed, I was waiting for him, to change and make me his one and only.  I didn't want an open relationship, I never wanted that but that was the only way I could have Jim.  He would not accept monogamy , looking back, if he had really been in love with me, I think he would have wanted only me.   After the parties sometimes, where we looked so in love, Jim would take me home and leave for the night, he didn't even spend the night with me after some of those evenings, I just felt so sad so much of the time.  I lived for Jim.  I know people will say, he wrote songs about me.  Looking back, those songs were sort of composites of me and other people he knew.  He just went with ideas, and even though I was at concerts, he never dedicated a song to me, and I always hoped he would. 

I want to talk about "Themis" the boutique Jim funded for me. Everybody thinks since my friend had a boutique, I had to have one too. Jim actually started talking to me about, finding something to do cause he was gone so much and when my friend brought up her boutique, I thought I could throw myself in something like that. I had been designing clothes since I was 14. I loved fashion more than anything else really. Jim funded the boutique and it's not like I wasn't happy he did that for me but the reason he did the photo shoot for it was because, he wanted it to make a profit. It was a business and suddenly, Jim, who never cared about money, expected a return on this boutique because he put so much into it and I did like to spend his money. He was thinking business, and he was cooperative during the photo shoot though I knew it wasn't his scene. He told me later how much he hated the clothes he had to pose in. So this was my dream, this boutique and Jim only stopped in a few times, though he was close by and even working upstairs sometimes and I wanted someone to share my dream with me, not just give me money for it. Sometimes I imagined Jim would show-up with some flowers for me and  surprise me. That didn't happen, in fact he came in drunk and disruptive. Anyone could see, he was not into what I was doing. I was with him sometimes at the recording studio or at his concerts but there were lots of times he wasn't happy when I showed up. He had so many people around him, that's why. Why did he need me? I was just the girl at home, when he needed cleaning up and someone to take care of him. People really don't understand what it was like. I didn't really make money in my boutique, it was harder to run than I thought and so many people came in just to see if Jim was around or ask me questions about him, it was a drag some of the time.

Themis was like a shiny new toy, I was in the spotlight and the photo shoot made me feel like a princess but it didn't last with Jim, I couldn't stay his princess for long. I became really vengeful with Jim. I had spent all this time waiting for him to want a life with me and not with all the other women and want to spend his time with me. I had another love too, Jean. Jean and I had a very sexual relationship. He was real royalty and exciting. He treated me well for a time, and because I wasn't allowed to go to Miami at all with Jim during his trial, I made myself sick, went into the hospital and Jim didn't rush home to me, instead he took his time getting back so I went with Jean out of the country. Jean was very sweet to me and Jim and I had not been having a sexual relationship for a long time. When Jim would show-up, I knew I wasn't getting anything sexual. He had already given it all away. Jim was becoming a father figure to me and I was like his Mother taking care of him, it got kind of sad but Jean and I had a really strong sexual thing. Jean was great until he replaced me for his next conquest. At that point, it was the end of 1970, I felt I wasn't enough for anyone. I felt like nothing. I came back to Jim and his New York girlfriend showed up and told me about their affair. It didn't surprise me, and then it was her abortion she told me about, when I wanted nothing more than to marry Jim and have his child. Nothing anyone could say about Jim and other women surprised me. Jim came back and found us there at Diane's place and Jim and I went upstairs to talk and he didn't deny anything with the New York girl, but said that he needed to go downstairs and see her. I asked him to choose me that night. My birthday was the next day and we didn't do many holidays together which always bothered me. I asked him to choose me over her and he said he would go down and talk to her and be right back and something about how I can't control him and I didn't own him. He never came back that night, I waited all night. I went downstairs to find Jim and the New York girl asleep on the floor, naked. Jim tried to get me to apologize to the New York girl for barging in. Can you believe it? I did everything for this man and I was suppose to apologize to her on my birthday. This was a big deal at the time because it just brought back how many times Jim choose other women over me, if I was sick, Jim wasn't around. I could never find Jim half the time and when I did, I really didn't like what I saw. I wanted a home, a family, a man who came home at night.  He was never going to give me a child, one time I told him I was pregnant in an attempt to get him closer to me but I really wasn't. He handed me cash to get an abortion, I was actually sort of hurt because he said he wasn't going to raise a kid.  I did some things I shouldn't have done to try to get his attention but I wanted to believe he cared. 

  

But I thought, since Jim seemed to be done with the Doors and done with L.A. in early 1971,  he would marry me and we would settle in Paris and live happily ever after. It wasn't the same relationship we had when we were younger and first met. We did things together but Jim was on a mission in Paris that had nothing to do with me really. He wanted to get his films shown and spend time alone writing. It seemed like he was writing all the time and I couldn't go with him. I knew more people there than he knew in Paris and yet, he was still going off on his own to drink, and I thought, meet women. His mail use to go to the Door's office in L.A. and now, it was coming to our apartment in Paris and there were things he didn't want me to see, but I saw them. Letters from women back home that he had written to. I still wasn't free and clear of Jim and other women. I started hoping Jean would take me back, even though Jim and I took this road trip to Granada and Madrid and other places, it was like he was in his own world, no talk of getting married or us moving to Paris permanently. We didn't have sex either. It had been so long but he was coughing all the time and not interested. He was sick and I kept making him go to doctors but we didn't have that same kind of relationship when we met. He didn't make me feel beautiful. So I kept thinking maybe Jean would take me back and I spent time with Jean in June of 1971 while his girlfriend was somewhere else. I kept looking for Jean on the trip Jim and I took, because I was feeling not very secure with Jim once again. Then I found out, Jim was telling people he didn't want to go back to L.A. right then but was talking about going back around September. My heart dropped, he wasn't moving to Paris, this was like a get away and he was going home to all his girlfriends back in the U.S., any one of them would marry him and I would be out. In fact, I stayed on Jim's back to create a will a couple of years before claiming the other Doors were greedy and they would take his money if he died and I would be out in the street. His will was my idea, I needed a piece of paper since I wasn't getting a marriage licensed signed. Jim gave me money, he let me buy things, but the one thing he didn't give me was love. So this is the end of it all. I started learning Jim wasn't staying in Paris because he was telling people he wasn't. I questioned him and he said that he was staying but I knew he was lying to me. He told too many people I knew there and in letters he was going back to the U.S. in the fall. It was typical of Jim to not tell me his true plans. He also told me, he was getting out of Themis since I didn't want it anymore. I really didn't care about Themis at that point but I thought, he must plan to go back to L.A. but he doesn't have plans for me there since he just wants to dump my boutique on my sister. I thought this was strange but he kept saying his legal fees were so high. I thought there was more to it. There are photos people can see of us just 5 days before Jim died. We look like a happy, loving couple on a day trip in France. Jim had a lot of wine that day, so he was easy to be around. He wasn't saying much to me about the future, in fact, nothing at all. He was there and posing for pictures with me but he was detached and still not doing well.

So then, the night before he died, we had a major fight back at the apartment after we left the restaurant across the street. I was so angry with Jim and I started to rip-up some of his poetry that he had been writing without me around. He said some really cruel things to me, they were so bad and he had done it before but this time, I felt different. It wasn't like in L.A. where I knew he'd be back. He was calling me bad names and telling me, when our credit cards arrived, since we didn't have any in Paris at the time, I could take mine and some cash and he would take his and some cash and he was going off without me. He said he was done and he had somewhere else to go. He started to go on about the heroin I kept in the apartment. I thought I tucked it away and he wouldn't know about all of it, but he knew. I am not proud of it, but I got into it due to depression. I wanted to sleep and not think about anything when Jim wasn't around and I never knew when he'd be back.

He was sick in Paris all the time, but he was leaving and once again, I was going to be left with a credit card and money, but without Jim. I mentioned the letters to other women I saw and he said he was in love with someone else and going to meet her. I don't think he was, I think he was going off alone but he would often say things just to hurt me. It went through me like a knife."

These are the questions Claudia Portugal asked Pamela Susan Courson.

1) CP: I will take down your answers, but please be sure, I am surrounded in the light of Christ and you will have to tell the truth, once and for all. When you met Jim Morrison, he was not famous and it seems like the two of you were happy, what is the real story about the beginning of your relationship?

" Jim and I met and we were young and carefree. He was always very kind and always paid attention to me, but all of the happiness was only in the very beginning. Jim was not at all allowing a serious relationship. He was a poet and believed in being carefree. Jim was very very intelligent and so I felt very important because I was with someone so worldly, it seemed. I believed in astrology and thought we were right for each other, destined to be together."

2) CP: There was constant cheating on both sides with you and Jim and then there was substance abuse on both sides, are you going to say it was just the 60's or why did all this happen in this relationship?

" Yes, it was the 60's but Jim became very popular and I felt that he was always away from me. I was no longer the center of atttention as I once was in the beginning, although it was a very short lived time period. Drugs were readily available, Jim became very unhappy and so was I with not being cared for and being ignored."

3) CP: What were you trying to get from Jim Morrison?

" I was nothing, I had nothing, and I wanted to be popular and have the title of being Mrs. Jim Morrison. He was famous and rich and I existed because of Jim. I was known because of Jim."

4) CP: Was this your first soul incarnation with Jim Morrison?

" Yes, Jim and I had no soul connection prior."

5) CP: Jim Morrison supposedly called you his "cosmic mate" and you were the women he always came back to, no matter what or who he was with. He left his entire estate to you and dedicated his poetry book to you. He gave you everything and eventually left the states to go to Paris with you. Were you his true "cosmic mate" and you obviously had this man and his love, what do you say about all that ?

"I wanted to be his cosmic mate...that's for sure and hoped at times I was, but I wasn't . I did have to go and find Jim and follow him around at times and try to figure out what his next move would be. I had stay on his back to get the poetry book dedicated to me, because at first he was going to dedicate it to Michael McClure. I told him he would look like a fag and that I deserved it, he owed it to me. It was my idea, I wish it had been his idea. I also had to stay on him about his will. Someone that young wasn't going to have a will, he never thought of it until I said the other Doors were greedy. I said some bad things about the Doors all the time to Jim in private. The money from the Doors bought me all this stuff but I always thought they took Jim away from me. Jim disowned his parents entirely and in a way, I was his only family but became less and less important to him as time went on. His sister and brother were kept in touch with secretly here and there but I was really the only stable one in his life."

6) CP: Were you abused by Jim Morrison? If so, how?

" Yes he was verbally abusive starting in 1967 on and off for the rest of his life, and by 1969 couldn't stand to be around me. He made me feel as though he was repulsed by me. Jim was a "Jekyll and Hyde" sometimes in his fits of rage when he was so drunk he would become  very mean and scream in my face.   He always said the most horrible things to me and called me a whore and other names. I sometimes didn't think Jim knew who he was talking to but it hurt. I know this is silly, but I use to blame the Santa Ana winds. When the Santa Ana winds would act up, I noticed Jim had some very dark moods."

7) CP: Did you always believe Jim would always come back to you because he always did? Did you ever worry he wouldn't?

" Yes, I worried that he wouldn't come back in the beginning, when he started staying at motels but eventually, I eased up on that and realized he would come back when he needed me. In Paris, I realized he was going to leave me and that time, I didn't think he was coming back."

8) CP: Let's fast forward to Paris, it seems romantic from all the pictures of you and Jim there and since no one knew he was a famous singer there for the most part, they don't seem to be taken for press but it seems like you were in love and happy. Five days before his death, you two look like the perfect couple touring Chantilly. What was really going on in Paris?

" Jim told me after the trial he was going to Paris and I wanted a chance with him, to have the life I wanted, Jim away from the Doors and only with me. I was feeling like we were down to our last chance. I admit, I wanted to see Jean again and he couldn't come back to L.A. or the states, because they thought he was involved in the the death of Janis Joplin. Jean told me before, he wasn't coming back. I could not risk losing Jim. I couldn't go back to being nothing with no money or status. What's more I couldn't allow myself to be dumped and publicly humiliated. Jim and I may have looked happy but he was very moody, depressed and withdrawn most of the time in Paris, running to his next drink, I didn't hang out with him on those binges and I never knew where he was a lot of the time. It was a big gamble for me, Jim sent me ahead to Paris and I wasn't even sure he was going to show-up but when he did, I thought we had a chance."

9) CP: How did Jim Morrison actually die and did you take any part in it or your friend the french count? If so, why?

"Jim was shot up with heroin. Yes I did it.Yes, Jean did take part as well, he helped me move him to the bathtub with a friend of his because I could not allow Jim to leave. Jim was leaving me and and wanted to start a new life without me. I could not allow him to do this. Yes, at first he was the love of my life but then I fell in love with Jean. I did not mean to kill him it was an accident. I meant to keep him with me in Paris.

The night before, Jim said he was leaving when he got the money, and credit cards from back home. I had no idea if he got them yet or not, so he could have left at any time and I just wanted him to stay in Paris and try to work it out with me. I thought if I gave him a shot of heroin, he would stay for some days and we could talk it out.

Jim was very sick in London a month before, he threw up blood in the bathtub after I had a hard time waking him up and I called down to the front desk of the hotel for a doctor. I used the story in London a month before, for what happened to him the night he died in Paris. I wasn't with him when he died. I did give him a shot of heroin and he never used it in Paris, or anywhere else. I gave him it to him without him knowing as he was out cold, sleeping and snoring really loud. I gave it to him not to hurt him or kill him but to keep him in Paris. I knew he was sick and he wasn't use to heroin and this stuff was really strong and thought he would just sleep like I did on it. So I gave him the shot and left for the night. I couldn't stay there with this loud snoring, sick Jim after what he said to me the night before, but I thought he would stay in Paris, not run off somewhere else with another woman and I was trying to get him to stay with me. I gave him my whole life, I didn't want him to leave because it felt different, like it was the last time and it would be the end. I don't know why but it did. We weren't the same with each other. We were like friends. He was so bored with me. I mean we went to Corsica and I thought it was going to be romantic and Jim was so bored and he kept talking about how bored he was. Jim was not in love with me anymore, I always wondered if he ever was. I think he felt sorry for me sometimes.

When I went back to California, I couldn't deal with anyone and I thought he died from the heroin but Jean had freaked out badly on me and told me we would both go to jail and he packed up and left the France with his girlfriend just hours after Jim died. Jean helped me with a friend of his move Jim's body in the bathtub, because a bath helped him up in London and I really couldn't wake him up for a long time there. Jean left me and now Jim was gone and I couldn't deal with the reality of it. I spent my whole adult life living for Jim Morrison and I had his money but I never had his love. I wasn't enough for him.

I learned things are not important, the clothes, the money, the cars, it didn't matter. I was alone and I thought maybe I could start over with a guy named Randy, but I was too much for him and what I did to Jim and the love he never gave me, haunted me the rest of my life. If you knew how many times I told myself, Jim must love me, you would call me pathetic. I had to tell myself, because most of the time, he wasn't telling me or showing me. I am sorry I may have accidentally caused his death but I think in turn, he caused mine. I wanted to be his Princess but in the end, it was a fairy tale with a dark ending. He wasn't going to stay with me and I couldn't let go, after sitting at home so many nights, with dinner cooked, waiting for him to show-up, and he never did. All the humiliation I went through with him over other women was so hard. I thought, I stayed this long, I will get what I want. My life was ruined because I tried to hang on to a man that didn't love me. Learn from my mistake because it's not worth it."

10) CP: Who was the french count to you, are you with him or Jim on the other side?

" Jean was very important to me. I wanted him more than any man I have ever wanted sexually, but he was not going to stay with me or marry me I found out. I could not afford to lose Jim. I am not with Jim on this side at all, we are not ever together, we do not communicate. There was an apology made to him in front of others when I came to this side and that was it. Jim is somewhere else, waiting for someone on earth, and that's all I know. I have seen Jean but he is with Talitha.  I am with a man named David, that's all I will say about that.  I want to be private now, even over here, this is my confession, my cleansing of my soul, it's all I need. 



I have had a life review over here if you know what that is and I saw the reality of how Jim felt about me and how I made him feel.  It was awful.  He wasn't in love with me.  I would say infactuated early on is how he felt but he was never as into me as I was into him.  I was like a family member to him and a friend but not a true love.  I have accepted that and it's over, so I wish those on earth would not be so concerned about talking about our personal life.  It wasn't good for me, I needed more than Jim could give me, not the money, the love and attention."

11) CP: After Jim's death, why did you tell so many stories about what happened? Were you even sure what happened? You told people Jim began to do heroin, was that at all true?

" No, Jim did not do heroin. Jim could not do these kinds of drugs and he despised it. I told stories because I was scared and confused. I was a heroin addict and it was an accident gone bad. No I wasnt sure what had happened. I was just trying to force him to stay with me. I was not in my right mind. You must try to understand that Jim was my only security and only way of having an identity. The Rock n' Roll Circus story is a lie about Jim dying there. He didn't go score drugs for me in Paris because I promised him I was quitting and I had plenty of drugs all over the apartment stashed. Jim went to the Rock n' Roll Circus in Paris often and hung out there. I had many friends who went there but it was too crazy for me in that place. It was weirder than anything in L.A. and one night, Jim got very drunk as usual there and apparently passed out in the bathroom. He was sick and he was spitting up some blood and he was carried out the back and brought home in a cab and dropped off at the apartment. He was very pale and out cold. I guess maybe people thought he was dead but he wasn't, he was just drunk and passed out and I don't know how or why, this story became how he died. It's so stupid. He did things like that all the time and strangers got him home or he slept it off wherever he was. That wasn't very long before he died and it was after we came back from our trip to other countries. I know Jean was so freaked out that Jim was dead and at the time, he was the only other person who knew besides me and a friend of his who helped put Jim's body in the bathtub, so Jean and this friend of his, told some friends at the Rock n'Roll Circus Jim was dead and told them how he died, from heroin. I guess that's how that myth came about. If I asked Jim to score for me, I am sure he wouldn't have done it. He didn't do it in L.A. and he wasn't going to do it where he didn't speak any french. Why would I be trying to hide my stash if Jim was ok with it? He wasn't.

One more thing about that, Jim didn't snort the heroin either. He was lying on a bed when I came home, and he was sleeping and really not feeling well. He was making a gurgling sound when he was breathing and snoring and he was out of it, not making sense when I tried to talk to him. I wasn't sure when the money and credit cards were arriving from the Doors office, for all I knew, they could have already arrived and I just wanted him to stay and sleep. I gave him a shot and he hated needles, he would not do that himself or have me do it. He made a face when I did it. When I came back a few hours later, he was not breathing or waking up. He never left the bed is what I think. I thought he was playing a sick joke on me. I was so freaked out. I also found out it was suggested he go to a movie that night, so I said we went, and then he went, because I knew I hadn't seen it. I have no idea if Jim left the apartment that night while I was gone but it really didn't look like he did. I couldn't tell anyone, I shot my husband up with heroin to get him to stay here. I didn't want them to know who he was, because someone from back home may order an autopsy and it was one dose, so it would look suspicious since I was living with him and I did it and many people knew I was around Jean and what he was into. I was going to have Jim cremated, that was the plan but they said it required an autopsy and I wasn't even trying to let anyone at home know, Bill Siddons got it out of me, like he already knew and I couldn't figure out how he knew. I had to hurry up and bury Jim because I really didn't mean to do it.  

His body was with me in the apartment for two nights on ice and I didn't look at it. I couldn't, he was blue and I couldn't look at him. I paced around, cried, yelled, calmed down, and took drugs because I was angry, sad and I had to figure out what to do next. I thought at one point, it was a bad dream. I wasn't trying to keep the press away like I told people, I wanted to keep everyone away. I thought it was probably my fault."

12) CP: You could've gone to mediums for decades and told your story, why are you telling it now?

" You are the one I needed to come to. you are a strong medium and it is through you that I have decided to come clean and let go of my earthly life."

13) CP: Do you regret your life as Pamela Susan Courson? Do you regret meeting Jim Morrison?

" I regeret the mistakes that I made. I regret that I met Jim now because he made me feel unloved and unwanted too often and that ruined me somehow. I didn't have a strong enough identity of my own. I thought all his songs were about me but I know that's probably not true and even the song "Not to touch the earth" was one song that I thought we were the two kids, running away , but it was a lie. We were never the two kids on the run, Jim had a life plan that didn't include me as his wife. He outgrew me and I outgrew him."

14) CP: What changed between you and Jim in Paris? Considering you were not together much for the past year and a half before you went to Paris, you were together a lot more it seems in Paris and on all your trips to Africa and Spain with Jim. You two according to photos and video taken, seemed quite happy and in love. Did you rekindle your romance at that time and did you feel you would be with him forever?

"Paris was to be a time Jim chose me over everything and everyone else. It didn't turn out that way. Our romance was never rekindled and I saw Jean and even some other guy while we were there together. I was sleeping with other men during the time Jim and I were in Paris. I needed to be physically wanted and touched by a man and Jim didn't give that to me in a long time. Our sex life was never great anyway, we didn't connect that way to each other, we were different sexually. I wanted someone more romantic and he was not at all romantic with me. I think he gave that to other women maybe, but not me. He was playing a role with me sometimes, I didn't like it. I needed someone to look into my eyes and he was actually kind of rough sometimes.

I took video of our trip, it was something to do. I filmed Jim and thought he would do something with the video like he did with "Feast of Friends" or "HWY." If I shot video he used, I would be involved in his career. I wasn't involved in any of those projects at all and I was trying to get us closer and it wasn't great video but it showed Jim looking at things and visiting things he enjoyed. The pictures that were taken of us less than a week before he died are nice but they are a false image of how we were. Jim was really kind of out of it from being sick, kind of detached and had a lot of wine and was starving. He was easy going that day because he had the wine. A few days later, we would have our fight and I knew he was going to leave."

15) CP: Let's go back to the fact, Jim gave you anything you wanted, money, cars, clothes, jewelry and the dream boutique any girl would be jealous of. You seemed to have really had him, why didn't you make a go of the boutique and why did you want to go to Paris?

"Ok, somehow I knew after the Miami trial, Jim was really not in love with me and he was very detached and cold to me. I mean really cold. He spent the Christmas of 1970 at a hotel and he wasn't with me at all anymore on any holiday anymore, even after ruining my birthday that year. Our relationship was in seriously bad shape. The boutique wasn't fun anymore. Jim wasn't a real partner to me or even a boyfriend, he didn't care about it other than if it made money and it wasn't. I knew our relationship was about to end if I didn't try and make it work. Jim wanted to go back to Paris, he had been there the summer before and he was going back he said after his trial was over and I loved Paris and was treated like a star there so I thought we could save this relationship since he seemed to be done with the Doors, maybe for good."

16) CP: Let's talk about your heroin addiction. Did Jim get you into heroin and were you a true addict who could not stop?

" Jim did not get me into heroin he did not do heroin.. Yes, I was heavily addicted to heroin to the point where I needed it on a daily basis almost as I got older. It ws out of control for me at certain points of time. I did other downers too. I did it because of depression. If things were not going well with Jim, I wanted to sleep it all away but I got really into that stuff. I am sorry I did."

17) CP: Was your own death an accident, or on purpose? Were you ready to leave the earth Pamela?

" Yes my death was an accident. I did not intend to take my own life yet at the time of the accident I was ready to leave the miserable life I was living.

18) CP: You had a public fight with Jim the night before he died, you were not seen in public with him again after that. Did you go to eat Chinese food, to the movies and go back to the apartment with him the night of his death? Did he listen to Doors songs and watch videos of your trips and then go take a bath?

" No I did not. Jim was sick laying on a bed when I came in and he was mumbling and his breathing sounded awful. I didn't wake him up, I gave him the shot and left for a few hours."

19) CP: Why have you had a broken heart since you came to the other side? That's a long time to be in such distress, what is wrong and how are you working on it?

" I needed so badly for Jim to love me because I felt so rejected by him. I gave my whole life for Jim but I was not good enough for him. I needed Jim or Jean to love me and be with me and yet I lost both. I needed attention, money, a name. I am now coming to terms with my mistake and trying very hard to let go and come to a place of peace and completely detach from my earth life. I never liked the fans. Jim's fans thought they knew him and they didn't. I wish the fans would stop talking about me all the time, it's not a tribute, it's kind of sad. They have it all wrong about me and Jim and how he treated me. I wish they could hear the fight we had before he left for Miami in 1969, it was brutal and he didn't want me to go with him and I wanted to go so he would be with me on that vacation after the concert, not other women. If they saw how he treated me or heard what he said to me, they would not be worshipping him. I mean he was a great poet and I know that but he wasn't a very nice man some of the time and I gave him everything. The fans want to make him immortal, and they want to make his death a great mystery. He was just a really complicated, mixed up man. I wish they would stop speculating about me and our relationship. It's crazy. They didn't know me or him personally and the ones on earth that did know us, never knew the private times we had and how unstable life with Jim always was. It would be nice if people didn't assume things about me. I wasn't his cosmic mate, I wanted to be, but I wasn't. I wanted to marry him and have a child but he wasn't going to do that with me. I wanted to leave the states for good with him, but I believe he was going to go back in the fall to some of his women or a particular woman somewhere. I saw the note he sent to the Doors accountant and he said we weren't going back but he told people I knew that he was going back in the fall and I saw it in some of his letters I wasn't suppose to see. The desk he used in the apartment in Paris had a lock on a drawer.   He thought he could keep things from me but he should've known he couldn't."

20) CP: Final words you wish to share with the public, how is anyone to believe this is true?

" I am truly sorry I ended Jim's life so soon before his time. I have come to tell the truth so that I may be free and move to a higher level and be at peace. I want to be at peace and let go of the torment. I am gratedul you were willing to do this interview. You are a strong soul and you are the one who has helped me to come to terms with my mistakes. Thank you Claudia. I think if the fans and people who are so curious about Jim's death read this, it makes a great deal of more sense than some of the crazy theories people have put out. Jim wasn't stupid, and I don't think he would ever mistake my heroin for cocaine. He didn't want to snort lines on a table when he came home feeling sick that day. I know his friend Alain has given some stories about that day, Jim was obviously unwell. I did call Alain but Jim was already dead when I called so I could start dealing with it. Alain was nice and helped me but he never knew the truth, I couldn't tell anyone, protecting both myself and Jean. Alain had to sense something was up though because Jean showed up later before he left France when Alain was still at the apartment. If Jim had been at the Rock n' Roll Circus to score drugs that night, even for me, and they brought him back dead and put him in a bathtub, I would not have given such an unbelievable account of that night. I did the best I could, I was sort of out of my mind but trying hard to think. I would have wanted to know who did what to Jim and would've called the police and had them investigate his death. I would not lie to cover that up and I would not have known that supposedly Jim sampled heroin, or what he was doing, would I? But I would want to find out how he died and if someone killed him. There would be no proof he was there scoring for me if he was alone and I wasn't in danger of anything if he had been returned to the apartment dead. But my story was not the greatest, but was a recollection based on London a month earlier so I could describe what happened when Jim was really sick and took a bath. You need to understand, I was an American girl, in France, who had hardly any money left, I had very little cash because the money had not yet come from the Doors office but I wasn't sure if Jim had it or not. I didn't find it, so I was alone, and the man I called my husband, a rock singer from America just died in the apartment we shared, possibly because I gave him one of my drugs to keep him asleep for awhile. I had to be careful what I did and what I said. If Jim had died any other way, with anyone else, anywhere else, I would want to know where, how, who and why. I would not quickly bury him and get the hell out of Paris. I had something to hide and that's why I did it. People can be so stupid. Some man shows up named Sam and writes a book years and years later and people fall for it. It would not make sense for me to lie about that night if Jim died anywhere else. I would want to find out who did it and how it happened."